Scrolling

I have a scrolling problem.

I wake up in the morning and I start scrolling. I scroll through Facebook then Instagram, sometimes a deal blog or two, then usually open Facebook again. I stare at it absent mindedly for a second, trying to figure out what's wrong before realizing I've already read it all.

I'm not writing, I'm not connecting, I'm not even really reading. I'm just scrolling.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Well, that's not completely true. I'm pretty sure I do know. I'm lonely. I'm bored. I'm hoping that by scrolling I can make myself feel better, can somehow fill up the parts of me that feel empty.

But it doesn't work. It never works. Scrolling is never going to be the thing that saves me. I need to do something else.

I'm not sure what to do.

Sad

I am curled up on my couch in my pajamas with both of my kids lying on top of me and a stuffed Piglet on my chest. We are watching sesame street and I am mindlessly scrolling my fb feed.

I'm not okay.

It's probably confusing to a lot of people because it's pretty much the same way I look when I am okay. Because I'm sure there are a lot of people who think it sounds divine. And really, I'm sure there's a lot about it that is. I'm grateful. I am. And I'm sad.

A lot of my friends are doing big things. Running and attending conferences. Running for city council. Writing books.

Getting together in small groups and posting pictures.

Yeah that kind of feels like a big thing today too.

I decreased my meds a few weeks ago. I was sure it was the right choice. And maybe it was. Maybe these are real feelings that needed to come through and be listened to. I kind of feel like I've didn't the past year in a daze. But now I'm sad and lonely and I don't wanna be.