What is

 I am sitting on my couch with my feet up watching Schitts Creek. I am tired, all the way down to my bones. My kids have been asleep for hours. My hair is in a messy pony tail on top of my head with strands falling in my face. I haven't worn makeup in months.

It's 2020. I've been staying in my house for months, staying in with my kids whose mental health is starting to falter, just as mine is. This is hard. So hard. 

I want things to be different. I think almost every day, I mumble to myself, "I  just need everything in my life to be completely different." 

I feel like I've been training for years to learn to accept what is. There were dark days when my babies were little and you, you were the ones with me through it all,.the ones who got me through. And as much as I want things to be different, I see what is and I am practicing every day accepting it.

I am sitting on my couch watching Schitts Creek and I am here now.  I'm going to try to remember that when things feel like too much. I'm going you try to be there then too.

Hi again (or Grace)

 Well hello. It's November. It's November 2020. Everything is screwed. But I thought maybe I'd show up here and do this thing anyway.

It's 12:15, which means it's technically not the 1st anymore which means technically I missed a day which means technically I failed.

But there's this gift that my depression and anxiety have given me over the years and it's called grace. So I'm giving myself grace. I'm saying it's okay that it's not the 1st anymore. I'm saying hi, I'm here, and That's enough for tonight.