It feels like a stupid thing to admit to. I mean, yeah. Sometimes I'm sad. I'm a person. Sometimes I'm sad and sometimes I'm angry and sometimes I feel scared or guilty or uncomfortable.
But lately I've been wondering if this is more than that.
Sometimes, when she's crying, I feel like I can't breathe. I'd rather sit with her in the rocking chair all night than let her cry even a little bit. It's not because I think it makes me a better mother, or even because I worry about the effects crying has on babies (although, thanks for that extra thing to be anxious about, Dr. Sears). It's because the sound of her cries causes me physical pain.
Sometimes, when she won't eat her cereal, I want to scream. If she flings it at me or rubs it on her face or puckers up her lips and starts to whimper, I want to let out a blood curdling screech or break down in tears. Sometimes I do break down in tears.
Sometimes, when she wakes up from a nap early, just as I finish switching over my laundry and am finally (FINALLY) about to sit down and read an actual book and enjoy a cup of tea while it's still hot, I want to weep. Or go in my bedroom, shut the door and curse as loudly as possible. And then I have to go pick up my Baby Girl, who is by this time weeping herself because it took me more than a minute and a half to pick her up, and I feel like the worst mom in the world as I kiss away her tears.
And I'm wondering if this is normal. I'm wondering if I need help or if I just, you know, need some help. I don't want to over-analyze or to pathologize what I'm feeling. Because you know? It's hard. It's overwhelming. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm tired. I'm isolated. I'm grieving for my old life, for a life where I was competent and appreciated and had adult conversations. These are all truths of my situation. And maybe, even though people don't talk about it, it's totally normal to feel this way.
But maybe it's not.