I don't know if it's the change of seasons.
Or the storm, and the news, and the worrying (with apologies for my very ill timed Ocean City poem - although I'm glad to see Mack and Mankos pizza looking intact).
Or the fact that BG and I haven't been out of the house for four days.
Or that I thought that was a good reason to go completely off caffeine all week.
Or "just" the fact that I'm 32 weeks pregnant.
But I haven't been doing so well.
I haven't wanted to get out of bed. Or off my couch. Or off my computer. I've been staring at my twitter stream even though I haven't really wanted to talk or write anything.
Yesterday, we watched five hours of PBS Kids. I'm going to come right out and tell you I don't think there are 5 different hours of PBS Kids broadcast every day. I'm pretty sure we watched the same shows twice.
And I broke down, while cuddling my sweet girl in my bed, at 1 in the afternoon when she was supposed to be napping, and watching Caillou - yes, Caillou, I couldn't even turn him off - and cried, apologizing to her for not being a better mom.
Then I got up and made a cup of half caf and folded my laundry.
Today is a little better. I was dressed before 9. We went out, to CVS and to a free Gymboree class, and BG looked at me like I was the mom of the year, climbing into her carseat afterwards without a single argument, prattling away incoherently, and falling so fast asleep that she transferred effortlessly to her bed. (Or as effortlessly as one can carry a 30 pound toddler up two flights of stairs when one is 32 weeks pregnant.)
It's hard in the quiet now to feel like I deserve the better.
But I do.
I know it's not my fault that I'm struggling. I know it doesn't mean I'm weak or bad or anything else. But I also know that if I want to be better, and I do, I need to do better. I've been a little lost lately. I've been forgetting who I am, what I need. I need purpose, I need quiet, I need structure, I need creative and social outlets, I need caffeine, I need food, I need sleep. It took so long to figure out how to be me, I can't expect myself to find it again right away. It's a long path. It always will be.
But I need to start walking.