Thursday, November 1, 2012

Finding my way back

I don't know if it's the change of seasons.

Or the storm, and the news, and the worrying (with apologies for my very ill timed Ocean City poem - although I'm glad to see Mack and Mankos pizza looking intact).

Or the fact that BG and I haven't been out of the house for four days.

Or that I thought that was a good reason to go completely off caffeine all week.

Or "just" the fact that I'm 32 weeks pregnant.

But I haven't been doing so well.

I haven't wanted to get out of bed.  Or off my couch.  Or off my computer.  I've been staring at my twitter stream even though I haven't really wanted to talk or write anything.

Yesterday, we watched five hours of PBS Kids. I'm going to come right out and tell you I don't think there are 5 different hours of PBS Kids broadcast every day.  I'm pretty sure we watched the same shows twice.

And I broke down, while cuddling my sweet girl in my bed, at 1 in the afternoon when she was supposed to be napping, and watching Caillou - yes, Caillou, I couldn't even turn him off - and cried, apologizing to her for not being a better mom.

Then I got up and made a cup of half caf and folded my laundry.

Today is a little better.  I was dressed before 9.  We went out, to CVS and to a free Gymboree class, and BG looked at me like I was the mom of the year, climbing into her carseat afterwards without a single argument, prattling away incoherently, and falling so fast asleep that she transferred effortlessly to her bed.  (Or as effortlessly as one can carry a 30 pound toddler up two flights of stairs when one is 32 weeks pregnant.)


It's hard in the quiet now to feel like I deserve the better.

But I do.

I know it's not my fault that I'm struggling.  I know it doesn't mean I'm weak or bad or anything else.  But I also know that if I want to be better, and I do, I need to do better.  I've been a little lost lately.  I've been forgetting who I am, what I need.  I need purpose, I need quiet, I need structure, I need creative and social outlets, I need caffeine, I need food, I need sleep.  It took so long to figure out how to be me, I can't expect myself to find it again right away.  It's a long path.  It always will be.

But I need to start walking.


  1. Holding you in my heart & wishing I could do more to help. Please let me know if I can!

  2. I am virtually holding your hand and walking alongside you. You know who you are and what you need. Now you've written down your needs. Keep this post bookmarked so you can refer back to it. You know the path to recovery is a process, but you will get through it. Hugs.

  3. I think you're a great mom and a great friend. Figuring out what you need is really hard, but I'm glad you did it. It's ok to have setbacks. You're aware of what you need and how you feel. I have no doubt you'll find your happy again.

  4. Sending a hug your way. You are a wonderful mom. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

  5. Big hugs. I know the feeling and will walk with you while you find yourself again.

  6. Oh friend. I'm so sorry. Much love to you. I'm walking right beside you holding your hand xox