Friday, September 6, 2013

How have I been?

I've been taking the meds.  I've been processing.  I've been parenting.

I've been slowing down.

I've been snapping at my kids and my husband less.  Less.  I'm still human.

I've been cleaning my house a little more.  A little.

I've been crying kind of a lot.  I've been having a lot of feelings and somehow it seems like as some of the fog is lifting, as some of the "OMG I just can't do this, I give up at life" has been easing, the real and valid feelings of hard have been coming to the surface one at a time.  And instead of running from those feelings and beating myself up and trying to please and perfect and perform, I've been sitting with them.  And it sucks a little.  But the only way out is through.

I've been kind of lonely.  With the cyclical nature of my mom's club activity, I seem to have fallen into a period of a few weeks when there's just nothing to take my kids to.  And honestly lately even when I do, I don't feel safe and warm and comfortable and in anymore.  I feel other and outside.  I'm not sure why.

I've been giving myself a little more credit for all the things I do around here, for all the ways in which I am actually a pretty good parent.  I've been realizing how aware I am, how hard I work, how much I give to my kids even when it feels like all we did is sit around and do nothing.

I've been writing more.  Not here, clearly, but in my journals.  I've been making myself write at least 3 morning pages every day to process all the junk that I've been pushing down and trying to get rid of.

I've been tired.  And since my thyroid and iron labs came back normal, I think we're back to my theory that the root cause of the fatigue is the chronic sleep deprivation.

I've been trying to unplug more.  To just let the Internet go, and stop worrying about missing something or being left behind, or filling all the uncomfortable space and quiet with useless busy-ness.  I have not necessarily been succeeding at this.

I've been trying to remember how to play, what it means to have fun, to do something with my free time other than completely zoning out.  I've been beating myself up about this a little.  I've been trying not to.

I've been a little flat sometimes, and almost numb.  I've been wondering if that's how I'm supposed to feel.  I've been doubting and questioning myself a little.  Not really trusting my feelings as much as I used to.

I've been better.  Well,  not better.   Easier.  Gentler.  Softer.  Healing.

I've been looking for something.  Truth, authenticity, purpose, belonging.  Something to fill some of the holes.

I've been here.


5 comments:

  1. oh dude. i am hugging you SO HARD right now. and teary reading this. just sending so much love. you are such a superhero.

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  2. I think you are describing the journey back to yourself perfectly. The fun will come. So will the truth, authenticity, and purpose. The quiet? The doubting? The listening to yourself? All good. At least I think so.

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  3. I think you're amazing. So wise and authentic. I'm so happy you're giving yourself a little more credit. I'm also proud of you for sitting through difficult feelings. You're an inspiration.

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  4. I am so proud of you! Keep on fighting through all those negative feelings and thoughts shows your inner strength. You are amazing and an inspiration!
    Love you

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