Don't try too hard and other lies I tell myself

Sometimes, I have a lot of shame wrapped around the idea of trying too hard.

Okay, maybe more than sometimes.

I want everything I do to seem perfect and polished and impressive, but I also want it to seem like I'm laid back and everything is easy for me.

Parenting isn't easy for me.  But I also haven't been trying as hard as I could.

I feel very conflicted when I talk about this.  I want to do better.  I want to do more.  I don't really believe it's supposed to be easy.

I talk all the time about how you're doing enough, about how you are enough, and I am too.  And I'm still trying really hard to believe that second part.  But as for the first part, I could do better.

I know that my kids are fine even if all we do is watch TV all day long.  I know that they're safe and loved.  They're growing and developing.  It's okay to survive.

But being in survival mode all the time really doesn't feel good.  I don't like that my only goal is surviving until bedtime.  And sometimes, some days, I have to give myself permission to do that.  To survive.  To get through.  For that to be enough.

But not every day.

I want to focus my time and energy on things that matter to me.  I want my days at home to be purposeful.  I want to learn the skills I need to be successful at this, and give myself credit for the areas in which I already excel.  I want to finish each day knowing that I've accomplished something, something with my kids, something with my house, something with my writing, something for myself.  I want to do all of those things.

And I'm afraid to say it.  Because I don't want to be seen as obsessed with my kids.  I don't want to be seen as trying to justify my own existence.  I don't want to be seen as intensively parenting, as a crazy Pinterest mom, as beating myself up or doubting my own decisions.  I don't want it to sound like I think I need to be entertaining or educating my kids every second of every day.

I just want to feel like I'm accomplishing something.  I want to feel like my efforts are in line with my goals and values.  I want it to be okay to try.