Sometimes, I have a lot of shame wrapped around the idea of trying too hard.
Okay, maybe more than sometimes.
I want everything I do to seem perfect and polished and impressive, but I also want it to seem like I'm laid back and everything is easy for me.
Parenting isn't easy for me. But I also haven't been trying as hard as I could.
I feel very conflicted when I talk about this. I want to do better. I want to do more. I don't really believe it's supposed to be easy.
I talk all the time about how you're doing enough, about how you are enough, and I am too. And I'm still trying really hard to believe that second part. But as for the first part, I could do better.
I know that my kids are fine even if all we do is watch TV all day long. I know that they're safe and loved. They're growing and developing. It's okay to survive.
But being in survival mode all the time really doesn't feel good. I don't like that my only goal is surviving until bedtime. And sometimes, some days, I have to give myself permission to do that. To survive. To get through. For that to be enough.
But not every day.
I want to focus my time and energy on things that matter to me. I want my days at home to be purposeful. I want to learn the skills I need to be successful at this, and give myself credit for the areas in which I already excel. I want to finish each day knowing that I've accomplished something, something with my kids, something with my house, something with my writing, something for myself. I want to do all of those things.
And I'm afraid to say it. Because I don't want to be seen as obsessed with my kids. I don't want to be seen as trying to justify my own existence. I don't want to be seen as intensively parenting, as a crazy Pinterest mom, as beating myself up or doubting my own decisions. I don't want it to sound like I think I need to be entertaining or educating my kids every second of every day.
I just want to feel like I'm accomplishing something. I want to feel like my efforts are in line with my goals and values. I want it to be okay to try.