Then I found the Power of Moms site and podcast, and I had a name for what it is I've been looking for. Deliberate.
I want to be deliberate. In everything I do. In all my choices.
I am tired of stumbling through life. I am tired of surviving until bedtime. I am tired of feeling distracted and overwhelmed and out of sorts and torn in different directions.
I am tired of fiddling with my tablet or worrying about the housework when I'm supposed to be playing with my kids. I am tired of feeling guilty about not paying attention to my kids when I'm writing (or not writing. Which is what usually happens.) I am tired of feeling resentful about being a maid when I'm doing the housework and tired of feeling frustrated and sloppy when I don't get it done.
I am tired of sitting down at naptime and not having any idea what it is that I want to do, what will fill my cup, and then finding that naptime is over and I haven't done a damn thing for myself or anyone else and feeling grumpy as I go collect my kids and dump them in front of the TV.
I want to do better. But I'm tired of thinking I'm not good enough.
I want to take ownership of everything I do. To sit down and consciously take care of myself when that's what I"m doing and to consciously be with my kids when that's what I want.
And that is what I want. I know what I want. I can take care of myself, I can take care of my family.
I just have to decide to.
(Disclosure: I was chosen as an Ambassador for Power of Moms. But they aren't paying me, and they didn't ask me to write this. I just think they're awesome.)