Tuesday, May 6, 2014

if self pity annoys you, you should probably skip this post

I don't want to write today. In fact, it's probably the last thing I want to do.  I don't really want to write ever again.

I feel discouraged. I feel disappointed. I feel overwhelmingly sad, like I'm mourning something.  And I think what I'm mourning is my dream.

My whole life I wanted to be a writer.

It's not going to happen.

Blah, blah, but I'm already a writer, blah blah.

It's not going to happen in any way that matters.  What's the point? My blog could disappear tomorrow, and maybe three people would notice.  And if you're one of those three people, sorry.  But we can just talk somewhere else.  We probably already do.

I'm not good enough. I'm not interesting enough. I'm not special.

I'm never going to be loud. I'm never going to show up and be in people's faces.  I'm just never going to be that person.

And I thought I had talent. And I thought that it was enough that I had talent.  And it's not, even if I do.

I'm sad. And I need to let the dream go.  I'm never going to be somebody. All I'm ever going to be is someone who helps other people be somebody.


  1. Oh friend. I know I can tell you that your words DO matter, at least to me, but I know you know that. And I want you to feel what you need to feel right now and get it all out. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. But until you feel that and know it, I realize it's still going to hurt. I've been there too. I wish you could see how talented and amazing you really are and how much you do matter to a lot of people. More than you know.

  2. Oh hon, you ARE a writer. I can promise you that. You've got talent coming out your pores and as you breathe into the virtual world I can feel it. Your words are beyond powerful and mean so much.

    I'm the awful blog reader who reads and doesn't always comment. Or doesn't always get around to reading and barely gets to my own writing these days, but I keep on keepin' on because I feel that maybe - just maybe - that day WILL come. And I think you need to feel that, too. But you also need to whine if you want to. *It's your blog and you can whine if you want to ...*

    Dance break! Oops. Where was I?

    Reminding you that your words matter and that I know exactly how you feel. Signed, the me who has been writing my own stories and books since elementary school. And remains she who is yet to be noticed for them. I hope those dreams come to fruition for us both. And for all of us who feel unnoticed and unseen sometimes. Soon. Love you.

  3. Hey there, I don't know you well, but I needed to tell you that being "someone who helps other people be somebody" is no small thing.

  4. I would notice, and I'm probably not one of those 3 people you were counting.

    Why would you say you need to let the dream go? Why are you telling yourself that?

    I know I never feel like I'm doing anything nearly as significant with my life as I should be. I wonder about whether I should make huge life changes, do things that terrify me but that sort of also sound amazing, things I could REALLY fail at. I feel like I'll never be satisfied with an average life.

    And then I wonder if what I really need to do is just accept things as they are because nothing will ever be perfect and my discontented has more to do with my personality than my circumstances. I should focus on appreciating things as they already are, be greatful for what I have.

    I feel like I'm always teetering between the two. What is the right answer? My mom tries to remind me there isn't a right answer. Good things and bad things will come with whatever you do.

    So I don't mean to just ramble on and on here about myself. I'm wondering if this at all sounds familiar? Really, I read this post and it did feel sad and I want to say: Stop putting yourself down! Don't let the dream go! Also, I do this too.

    The end.

  5. I love you. You ooze talent. You will figure it out. I know this. xoxo

  6. I just stumbled across your blog today via Twitter and I cannot stop reading. Your words - your thoughts - are powerful and I can so relate to a lot of them. You're helping me and I'm thankful for that.