Begin again

I am sitting crosslegged on the tiled floor of my bathroom, earbuds in ears, meditation app opened on my phone. BG has been in bed for 30 minutes and has come to see me 3 times already in that time. She didn't like the book she was reading. She missed me. She wanted to help with the laundry.

LS is asleep, moments after I put her down probably given the fact that we were at loopiness level 10 by bedtime. DH is in the basement working on a woodworking project.

I am on the bathroom floor. The door has a lock. I haven't meditated in months. I'm ready to begin again.

And then BG starts to wail from the top of the steps. I take off my earbuds. I climb the stairs.

"Mommy, I'm scared. Because I lost that bracelet when we went on the trip."

"You're sad? Sometimes I feel sad when I lose things too."

I lie down with her. I listen. I snuggle. I shut off her light.

I go back to the bathroom floor. Begin again.

I haven't written in too long. This morning, I opened my journal, and filled two entire pages with iterations of "It's been too long, too long, too long."

Begin again. And again. And again. It's all I can do.