Negativity

Today I took a nap for two hours in the afternoon. And we're going to Panera for dinner.

I also ran errands, made phone calls, planned Girl Scout events, sent emails, and will volunteer at my kids' school. But if you asked me to evaluate my day, what would come to mind is the nap and the lack of cooking. Today would chalk up on the board as a day of laziness and fail.

My laundry isn't done. My house is a mess. My kids are home from school now and are watching TV. My hair is a disaster. Why do i feel overwhelmed and behind? Everyone I know does more than I do. Most of my friends work full time, have kids who are at least as committed as mine, volunteer for school and scouts like I do, and still seem to have it altogether. Meanwhile, I'm home all day while both of my kids are in school, and I'm rocking the strugglebus.

It's embarrassing. I feel ashamed. Things shouldn't be as hard for me as they are.

I feel like I don't deserve a nap. I don't deserve to be having a hard time. I should just be working harder, doing more. If I'm falling apart it's a failure of character. If people knew how much I'm barely holding it together, they'd think even less of me than they already do. The only way to keep from being completely kicked out of the community is to

1) Pretend that I have things more together than I do

Or

2) Publicly laugh at myself in the moments when I clearly don't.

I am never going to be the Alpha wolf, so I'll settle for being the omega. I'm funny. I'm not threatening. I'm the comic relief.

But god, sometimes it hurts.

I'm tired of being small. I'm tired of playing things off, of acting like taking 3 tries to make a cup of coffee correctly is the entertainment when on the inside it feels like evidence that I don't deserve to exist. I'm tired of seeing everything I do as not enough, of always comparing myself negatively to everyone around me, of beating myself up for falling apart.

I'm tired of living in silence.