Don't say anything

 I had an interview last week. "Don't say anything" I said to my husband and children as I told them quietly about it. They were excited and I bit my tongue. That was what I didn't want.

I had an interview and I thought I did fine. I was completely myself, I told the truth. I thought I was a good teacher. I thought I was a likeable person. I left the interview thinking, I know how this is going to go and I don't want to hope.

I didn't hope. I didn't count on it. I tried not to tell too many people I'd even been to it. 

And today I realized that they've been doing second round interviews this week and I definitely didn't get one.

I tried to not get excited, to not hope, to not put my faith in something that might not happen and you know what? It still hurt when it didn't happen. 

This sucks.

I want to stop trying, to stop putting myself out there, to give up. To stop believing that anything in my life will ever be different. I'll just do this forever or I'll go get a job at a Target. I don't even know what the point is anymore.

It suck and it hurts and I have to wipe my eyes and go about my day and just be good at what I'm doing now and who I am. 

Don't say anything. I know. I know.