In 3 months I'm going to be a mom of two. I feel like I haven't even gotten the hang of one yet.
In my head, I know that's not fair. My sweet, precious big girl is doing great. She is developmentally right on track, she is kind, she is funny. I know that I must be getting it right, that I am not failing her, that we are doing just fine.
But that's not how it feels in my heart.
Almost every day lately, I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I can't handle her. Everything seems Big and Important. Everything is a crisis.
We watch a lot of TV. A really lot. We still take swim lessons, we still go to playgroups, we still read books. But I don't know how to play with her. When I'm alone with her and there's nothing planned to do, I panic a little. I don't know how to possibly fill the time. I lose my patience quickly. I cry more than I'd like to.
And in the back of my head, there's always a voice that says, "If you can't even handle this, how are you ever going to survive with two?"
When there are two small people I don't know what to do with. When I haven't had any sleep and still have to chase BG around and stop her from scaling everything. When the three of us are stuck in the house all winter staring at each other, and I'm the one who's expected to know what to do.
People say that once you have two, you should expect to be in survival mode for a while. But I kind of feel like I'm already in survival mode, so where do I go from here?