Thursday, December 6, 2012

So, this is happening

So, it's becoming pretty clear that I'm going to have a baby.

Yeah, I've always been a little bit slow.

Last time I did this, I had no idea what this meant. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know what it truly meant to be a mom, to have a little person who could simultaneously make you happy and insane, who was both you and not you, who both overwhelmed you and made you feel complete in a way you didn't know you weren't. I didn't know what it would be like to lose myself, to find myself, to recreate myself, and to do it all again. I didn't know how long it would be until I'd sleep, until I'd have my body to myself again (well, I'm still waiting for that one), until I'd find a way to make peace with all the things that had changed and all the things that didn't have to.

 This time? I'm terrified.

 Who is she going to be? Who am I going to be? These weren't even questions that came into my mind the first time around. What's going to happen to my sweet, crazy making eldest daughter? Is this going to change her? Is that a good thing?

 Are we all going to be okay?

 No amount of planning and calculating, of freezing dinners, of arranging help is going to make all these questions go away. There's nothing I can do to fix this, nothing I can do to make any of this less real. I feel envious of people who are excited, I feel angry that I'm so overcome by fear and uncertainty, I feel guilty for not feeling gushy and happy about my coming bundle of joy.

 But it is what it is, and where I am, and who I am. It's real and it's valid and it's okay.

 At least that's what I'm telling myself.

3 comments:

  1. Of course these feelings are valid and okay! I was terrified before my second arrived. I had no idea how I was going to balance everything, how I was going to meet the needs of everyone, how I was going to have to breath. We stumbled through the first little while but eventually we found a routine that worked . . . until it didn't . . . and then we found a new one!
    Jenn

    ReplyDelete
  2. It is ok to feel this way. It's hard. It's hard when you add another into the mix. Of course you're worried about adjustment. But when it happens, it'll click somehow, someday. Try not to let the guilt about your feelings make you feel bad. It's understandable to feel this way.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh dude i love you to bits. and i obviously don't know (really) what all of this feels like but it does seem like one of those situations where knowing a bit more about what you're about to get into makes it harder for people like us who think too much and worry and just want to be able to KNOW how it's all going to go. but you said it yourself, these are all valid, REAL things to be feeling and none of it means that this new little one won't fit in just perfectly. i haven't felt gushy at ANY point during this wedding planning process and i feel weird and guilty about that, too. but i try to remind myself that it doesn't mean something Hugely Happy is coming. you're wonderful and i wish i could hug you in real life, so instead i'm sending hugs this way. xoxoxoxo

    ReplyDelete