I had originally intended to write a really wise post today about how I focus too much on being productive and on everything I do - both with my kids and for myself - has to have an objective, purpose, tangible outcome.
But 1) I don't feel especially wise today and 2) Deciding to write *about* something always seems to be the death knell of that particular idea. Just me?
So instead I'm just going to babble. And call it "embracing my own imperfection."
I've been trying to be quiet on twitter lately. This is not an all or nothing proposition for me. I just need some boundaries and some space. I think, for me, there are a few big dangers of being on twitter all the time. First, I get needy and desperate to please. I mean, I do that without twitter, but I can do it faster and more publicly with the extra platform. Second, I get sucked in and waste all the time I could be using to bake cookies, play with my kids, or lie on the floor and stare at the ceiling. (What? It's productive.) But third, and this is what I've been grappling with maybe the most, is that sometimes I feel like I use up all my words.
Deep down inside, I have a fundamental fear that I don't have anything to say. That I don't have anything worth saying that anyone would want to hear. It stops me from talking, it stops me from writing. But somehow, it doesn't usually stop me from tweeting.
Something about the 140 character limit makes me wittier. Gives me snark that's not really mine. Makes it so easy to condense my entire day into an extremely charming one-liner. One that people like. One that gets me pats on the head, giggles and retweets.
But I shouldn't be condensing. I should be expanding. I want to be taking the little things and fleshing them out into big things, seeing the nuances, sharing the meaning that emerges from the tiny details. Instead I am squeezing it all into a tiny package, albeit a cute one, and then there is nothing left.
When I write in my journal or on my blog, I don't get used up. I don't run out of things to say. I get replenished, fed, built up. I have more words, not less.
I need to say less to say more. I think.
But I do really love twitter. You think I'm cute and funny there. And I'm not ready to give up being cute and funny.
So I guess it's all about balance in the middle ground. As usual. Dang it.