There's a noisy voice in my head lately.
You have to be doing something all the time, otherwise you are wasting everyone's time. Otherwise you don't deserve to be home with your kids.
If you are doing something all the time, it will spoil and smother your kids. Educating your young children isn't a good use of your time. It's unnecessary. It's something rich, white, stay at home moms invent so they don't have to work.
Your privilege is shameful. You have to be humble. You have to be grateful.
You have to be snarky so no one knows you actually care about being good at this.
You can't admit that you're not good at this or people will think badly of you.
You can't admit when you're good at this or you might make someone else feel bad and then they won't love you anymore.
It is ridiculous to think that your blog matters. Blogging is frivolous, self involved, selfish. You are deluding yourself. You are embarrassing yourself.
The things you want are stupid and worthless.
You are stupid and worthless.
You're always supposed to make everyone happy, to take care of their needs before your own or else you're a bad mother, a bad friend, a bad wife. Or else they wont' love you. Or else they'll leave.
They'll all leave.
Even your kids, soon they'll realize that everyone in the world is better at this than you and then they'll prefer being anywhere but here.
You shouldn't care what people think of you. You shouldn't try to make people happy. You shouldn't hustle. You should know better.
You don't matter.
Who you are isn't good enough.
You don't exist.
You are only good for making other people happy.
You shouldn't be proud of that. You should be ashamed of that.
You aren't good enough.
You have to change.
You aren't good enough.
You are more than good enough. I know you need to own and believe those words for yourself. You're in a hard place, I so get it. Give yourself grace. And let me tell you that that voice is lying. You're more than enough and you are loved. And you're good at being the mom that YOUR kids need.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for the angry judgemental words in that space of yours. Try to be gentle with yourself...which is easier said than done.
ReplyDeleteThat voice in your head is wrong, is lying to you and seems to be a bit of a bully. My hope is that this darkness will pass soon and you will be able to see what the rest of us see . . . a kind-hearted woman, who loves her family with all her being and is more than good enough.
ReplyDeleteTell her to go where the sun don't shine - because you are beautiful inside and out. Your spirit is so bright that I need sunglasses!!! <3
ReplyDelete