Let's write (again), shall we?

 Hello friends. I don't know if anyone is here, so I don't know if anyone is hearing this, so maybe I'm just talking to myself, and maybe that's okay. 

Maybe it doesn't matter who I'm writing for as long as I'm here and I'm writing. 

It's been a really hard year. 

I think you all know that because I think it's been a really hard year for everyone, but me being who I am, the things that are hard for everyone take on a different level in my brain. I know some of you (if there are any of you out there) know what that is. When every minor catastrophe or challenge feels like the thing that is going to end you. Where you genuinely do not believe that you have the capacity to keep up with the things that are coming in, even when you see that everyone else is dealing with those things. 

When the depression wins. At least for a while. 

But here I am. 

I haven't written, really written, gotten into the grit of it, for much too long. And some of that had to do with just being overwhelmed by life, by having a husband and children who were for the first time in a long time just ALWAYS HERE.  And some of it had to do with my brain and it's inability to keep moving forward when things felt heavy and swampy. 

But a lot of it had to do with this problem that I've really had for a long time. With not knowing what to write about, with worrying about not being good enough, with waiting for the exact right thing to fall in my lap and not believing really that it ever would. With not thinking that I or my words would ever be enough in the world, that I didn't deserve to put myself out in the world, that nothing I do or say could possibly matter. 

I still believe all of that to some degree. But I'm here, and I'm writing, and I'm putting it out into the world, and for today that's enough. 

Hello friends. I missed you. I missed me. Let's write, shall we?