On not quitting

I didn't quit something today.

A few weeks ago, I decided to get serious about selling teaching resources on Teachers Pay Teachers. I was excited. This was going to be *my thing*. I had an idea. I had a plan. I was going to be good at this. 

And then reality hit.

I haven't taught full time in 12 years. I'm not good at design. I'm not good at marketing. No one is really interested in anything I could possibly sell. I don't have anything special to offer.

This is the story of my life.

I know that depression lies. I know. I increased my Prozac dose the other day. I've been using my SAD lamp, drinking my water, getting some exercise. I started therapy again, and maybe this time I'll actually tell her things instead of showing up and trying to be a good, obedient student, and then being resentful that my therapist couldn't read my mind and fix me. 

I know all the right things to do.

But this, I'm not sure my brain chemicals can fix.

I start things, I get discouraged, I get disappointed by life, I feel defeated. I get overwhelmed by all the things I don't know how to do, by all the things I would need to learn, by the enormity of what I'm not yet good enough at. And I quit.

I've done it my whole life. 

Today, I woke up and said "This is stupid, I'm stupid, everything is stupid, I don't know why I thought I could do this. I don't know why I even try. I don't wanna try. I give up."

And I wallowed on my couch for a while.

And then I logged into my Teachers pay teachers account and I made one little change to my product descriptions.

It doesn't mean I'm successful. It doesn't mean I'm going to be successful. It doesn't even really mean that I'm not GOING to quit. But today, I didn't quit. So. There's that.