Drowning

 I am sitting in a classroom with one student who is quietly working on her AP French work. This isn't my classroom, isn't my student, isn't my chair. I am substituting again, after two years of working long term and teaching again. I am alone with my thoughts because there is really nothing for me to do. 

And I'm drowning.

I have had a chest cold for about a week and I'm not sure at what point I need to go to the doctor, but I took my littlest twice for the same thing last month and they didn't do anything either time, so I'm hesitant. When I take a deep breath in, it catches in my throat for a second. When I exhale hard, it quickly becomes a juicy cough, which at least feels a little bit satisfying. 

Both my kids are in therapy now, one of them with two different therapists, and we go to family therapy every twoish weeks. Both kids are in a play that rehearses every night for the next two weeks, and the little one also just got into another play and the big one is auditioning for one today. Big sister is also in marching band, so I'm ferrying to those practices and going to football games every Friday.

My income as a substitute teacher is half what it was last year on a temporary contract. 

I am drowning.

I applied for at least 10 jobs this summer. I interviewed for three of them. I didn't get any of them. 

There's a second student now, which is nice for the first one at least. And here comes a good cough. There's a squeak at the end of that inhale now. 

Breathing is important, I tell myself. And I've been looking for some breathing room. Some time to read, to write, to think. 

So why am I drowning?