Life's lessons: Being 18 months old

1. Being 18 months old is hard.
   
2. Even if you know sign language? You suddenly realize how many things are that you want to say but can't.
   
3. And then you say things like "A bababa da da squa squa daaaaat."
   
4. And throw a temper tantrum when your mom doesn't give you what you want.
   
5. While mom cries in a corner or says "JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT."
   
6. Even though, duh, mom. You're trying.
   
7. I know.
   
8. And when you're 18 months old, it's also hard to wait for things.
   
9. And hard to reason out why on earth mom would think you would want to start nursing less.
   
10. Or, you know, sleep through the night.
    
11. Or stay inside when it's raining out.
    
12. I know.
    
13. It's hard to be 18 months old.
    
14. You only have to do it for one month, though, kiddo, so hang on.
    
15. But it's hard to wait.
    
16. I know.
    

Life's lessons: Big Dreams

1. So that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've had all week? Those tears I've been fighting? The running around in circles I've been doing?
   
2. I want to be a writer.
   
3. Saying that out loud scares the hell out of me.
   
4. Which is probably why I need to say it.
   
5. And if I'm being honest, I don't even know what it means.
   
6. I don't know what I want to write. Or where. Or when. Or how. Or for who. Or even why.
   
7. All I know is that there is this voice in the back of my head that says "I want to be a writer."
   
8. And that when it does I suddenly become very interested in unloading my dishwasher. Or taking up running. Or catching up on my twitter stream.
   
9. And I'm starting to realize that that resistance? Means I've hit on the right thing.
   
10. The excuses and the ways out: not enough time, no money, can't take attention away from my baby, my husband needs me, my friends need me, there're other things I should be doing, it's a stupid goal, it doesn't mean anything, I don't have anything to write about, no one wants to read what I have to say, I don't know how to do it...
    
11. All of that is just my mind trying to protect me.
    
12. Because what if I try and I fail? What if my whole life I've had this idea in my head that if I just found the right moment and the right thing to write about I could be great, and then I try it and I find out that I'm totally wrong? That I'm no good, that I can't do it.
    
13. But what if I don't?
    

Life's lessons: on self care

1. I am not good at self care.
   
2. I am not good at not being good at things.
   
3. I know in my head that in order to be a good mom, a good wife, and a good friend, I need to be good to myself also.
   
4. But I don't necessarily know how to do that.
   
5. I mean, last week I bought myself a slice of chocolate cake at the grocery store. And that made me pretty darn happy.
   
6. But what I'm talking about is finding things to do that make me feel like a real, whole person, and not just someone's mom.
   
7. People tell me the solution is to find something to do that's just for me, to do something I enjoy, and I get more and more frustrated.
   
8. And I'm realizing that's because I don't know what to do.
   
9. And when I think about it, this is a problem that goes back much further than my tenure as a mom.
   
10. What I really need is a good hobby. And a passion. And an interest. Y'know, if you see any of those just kind of lying around.
    
11. On Thursday, I got so frustrated with my own lack of self care that I laced up my shoes, threw the baby in my BRAND NEW Baby Jogger (thanks, DH), and went for a run.
    
12. With a hacking, phlegmy cough and a potential fever. I got to the end of the block and turned around before my lungs exploded.
    
13. Have I mentioned I'm not so good at this yet?
    

Life's lessons: What she can do

1. A one year old can't play Wii games (we've tried).
   
2. She can't fold a fitted bed sheet even though she seems to want to.
   
3. She can't say the final consonants of things, but mommy understands when she wants her "du" or her "do," to be held by "da" or to take off her "saaaaa."
   
4. She doesn't say "mommy" because really she doesn't need to.
   
5. But she can pull anything off any surface in the house, no matter how much you think it's protected.
   
6. She can sign "more," "all done," and "baby." She can sign other things too, but mostly she just wants to sign "baby."
   
7. She can dance if she wants to. She can leave her friends behind. Wait, I got a little off track there.
   
8. She can hand something to me or daddy if we ask for it. And if she feels like it.
   
9. She can hand me the dishes out of the dishwasher. (Sa-weeeeeeet. I win at parenting.)
   
10. And she can run across the room at me full speed with her arms wide open, laughing hysterically as she throws herself into my arms.
    
11. This mom thing? Is a pretty good gig.
    

Life's lessons: Things that make me itchy

I try to be positive, but this week I decided I'm just going to take a minute to growl at all the things that make me mildly (or less mildly) crazy. Please feel free to growl with me.

1. Lists and plans
   
2. Schedules and routines
   
3. Being late (and I always am now)
   
4. Deadlines (see above)
   
5. Commitments I can't follow through on
   
6. Drudgery (oh, hello laundry)
   
7. People who use "ironically" incorrectly (wait, how did that one slip in there?)
   
8. People who take my baby at family functions
   
9. Crowds of people I don't know
   
10. Waiting in lines
    
11. Okay, waiting for anything
    
12. Plan cancelers (See 1 and 5 above)
    
13. Not being good at things (and sometimes it feels like that's everything)
    

But despite all that? I'm still okay. I'm winning at this life thing lately. And you will be too. I promise.

Life's lessons: On cleaning

Oh, I am so long overdue to link up with Rach for Life's lessons. Please, forgive me, sweet friend.

1. I'm not good at lists.
   
2. I don't know if you've noticed? But even these lists? End up being stories.
   
3. And the other kind of list? The kind that tell me what to buy at the grocery store or do around the house? Oh gosh, they're even worse.
   
4. But somehow I always get what I need at the grocery store.
   
5. You know, because I really like food.
   
6. I think perhaps there is just a petulant little child in me who looks at to do lists and says, "But I don't wanna."
   
7. Because, you know, I really don't.
   
8. But. But. But. I do feel better when the house is clean.
   
9. So, I think what I need is for someone to every day say to me, hey go clean your house. Go fold your laundry. Go make some mac and cheese.
   
10. Speaking of which, it might be time for a snack.
    
11. Because I really do like food.
    

Life's Lessons: Lunch date

1. So remember that lunch date DH took me and Baby Girl on when she was 8 months old?
   
2. Well, he took me back to that restaurant for lunch again.
   
3. And today? It was much less eventful. Thankfully.
   
4. Well, except when the old lady BG was staring at said hi, and BG decided to scream.
   
5. Or when I tried to give her a taste of my pasta, and she grabbed it off the spoon, lemon butter sauce and all.
   
6. Or when she let me know she was done with her bread by throwing it across the restaurant.
   
7. But somehow? None of that really bothered me so much. I was eating great food and laughing with my two favorite cuties.
   
8. Today was a reminder of how much things have changed in the past 5 months.
   
9. And how much things haven't.
   
10. I guess my point is, if there's a lesson to be learned from today? I haven't learned it yet.
    
11. So I guess DH is just going to have to keep taking me out to nice restaurants for lunch until I do.
    

Today, I'm linking up again with Donut's Mama. Stop by and give her a little extra love today, okay? She can use it.

Life's Lessons: International Traveling Edition

It's time for my favorite linkup of the week, with one of my dearest online friends, Donutsmama of Life with Baby Donut. As you all know, I was away last week, and I couldn't help but learn a few things, so without further ado.

1. I am not the greatest traveler in the world.
   
2. I tend to have a little bit of anxiety about being in the car. Okay, maybe a lot.
   
3. I also need more confidence. It took me until the end of the week there before I got up the nerve to walk out the door of my hotel by myself and actually do anything.
   
4. And I need to sometimes think a little more about what I want instead of waiting around for other people to tell me.
   
5. The last day there, I got mad at myself for not enjoying my trip more and seeing the city.
   
6. And then I realized I was still there. And I went out. And I enjoyed it.
   
7. I dwell a little too much on the past, on what I've done wrong, on my mistakes.
   
8. But I'm still here.
   
9. And there's so much to enjoy, to appreciate.
   
10. I just need to put one foot in front of the other and step out my front door.
    

Life's Lessons: The Excuses Edition

1. So Baby Girl turned one last week.

2. Apparently that's a big deal.

3. Which is why I haven't written since then.

4. Or really read and commented on any blogs.

5. At least that's the excuse I'm going with.

6. In related news, we spent last weekend traveling again.

7. People? Traveling with a baby is exhausting. Exhausting.

8. You know what else is exhausting? Not sleeping. Which we've also been doing this week.

9. And then there's laundry. Mountains of laundry. I'm thinking of giving up laundry.

10. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that when you make excuses, you should stick with one or no one would believe me.

11. So, the simple answer to why I haven't been writing? My head hasn't been in it. But it's coming back. It's coming back.