I suck at making friends

For me, one of the hardest thing about being a new mom is the isolation. I'm used to being at school all day, surrounded by snarky teenagers and snarkier teachers, and suddenly it's just me and Baby Girl. While she does have a bit of the snark in her, she's not quite the most gifted conversationalist yet. (Although, "A-babababababa" is HILARIOUS. At least she thinks so. Somehow I'm not sure I get the joke.)

But I'm lonely. As much as I want to make light of it or play it off, or try to act cooler than I am about the whole thing, I'm lonely. And some days (like today) that makes me really sad.

I have friends, but they live states away now. And they don't have kids. And they're at work during the day when I'm struggling with the quiet.

On my better days, I try to be really proactive and go out and try to make friends. I go to library story time. I take long walks through my neighborhood, hoping to encounter a tribe of SAHMs who want to take me into their fold. I send messages to friends of friends, inviting them over for coffee or out to lunch.

But it never works. The moms at story time all know each other already and don't seem interested in knowing me - although honestly, I don't push to hard because I'm too self conscious and afraid of acting like a fool. My neighbors smile and nod at me, but I don't know how to make those conversations anything more.

And last week? I invited one of the other wives from hubby's work over for coffee, and she accepted. I was so proud of myself. I cleaned my house. I baked freaking cookies. And then? She canceled.

I wept all afternoon.

It's hard to feel like I'm not completely unloveable. It's hard to make myself vulnerable when my brain is telling me that rejection is so certain. But if I keep putting up walls, I'll never make a new friend again.

I'm at a loss.