Last Friday, I was at the doctor for a physical. I really like my GP, even though I rarely go see her. She's my age and has kids the same age as mine. Even though I don't feel comfortable with medical stuff in general, I feel okay around her. Well, as okay as possible.
So when she asked me how I was doing since I had the baby? I laughed a little bit of a nervous laugh and said "Well, uh, overwhelmed. But I think it's just normal overwhelmed?"
And she put her stethoscope down. And we talked. For about 20 minutes.
And I walked out with a prescription.
I've been in a bit of a pit for a while. I've been under a fog. I've been having trouble being present. I've been having trouble letting things go. I've been snapping at everyone around me. And the more I talked to her the more I realized that even though things really are hard, maybe my reactions have not always been appropriate. Maybe it's not normal to feel this bad for this long.
I want to feel better. I want to be okay with needing the meds. And I don't want to need the meds at all.
I didn't want to talk about this out loud yet, I didn't think I was ready. I have so many complicated feelings about it to work out. I'm angry at myself, I'm doubting myself. I'm wondering if I should have done more, if I did this to myself by not getting enough self care, if I'm blowing my problems out of proportion and I'm actually fine, if I'm ever going to get better, if admitting that this is my brain chemistry in some way totally invalidates everything I've been thinking and feeling.
If I do the work to feel better, to get better, to work through the things I need to work through, will it ever really be me doing the work, will it ever really be me getting better?
I know these thoughts are ridiculous. Well the logical part of my brain that would have no problem saying that to anyone else knows it. In my heart and in my gut, I don't know it.
I'm disappointed. I'm frustrated. I'm afraid. I'm hoping that I'm on my way back to okay.
I didn't think I was ready to write about this. But I need to write if I ever want to be me again, and until I said this, nothing else I said felt true.
When in doubt, tell the truth. Even when it's messy and ridiculous and doesn't make any sense.