A New Chapter

For the first time, both of my children are in school all day. It's time for an entirely new chapter in my life. For the past eight years, I've always been home with at least one child. I've been in charge of educating them, feeding them, and loving them. And while I still have to do most of that, for 7 hours a day, I get a break. I am alone in my house. It is quiet. I almost don't know what to do with myself. 

I've been cleaning. The surfaces in my house are getting clear, everything is staying within a few minutes of being clean, my laundry piles are minimal, even some of my cabinets are getting organized. I don't feel overwhelmed by the idea of picking up anymore because I can actually see where things go. 

I've been running. Really running. I went five miles yesterday, by myself, in the middle of the day. I feel strong. I feel like I'm breathing better. 

I've been playing mindless games on my phone. It's okay, I tell myself, I enjoy them. It's okay to enjoy things. I have time. 

And all these things are good things. Truly. All of this was something I needed after being talked to 24 hours a day for the past eight years. But. 

But. 

But not at the expense of crafting my life. 

I want to figure out who I am, what I want to do. I want to write. I want to create. I want to start to build something that belongs to me and isn't just about what my children need. And I think maybe that sounds so hella scary that I've been spending a little more time on my cabinets and candy crush than I really need. I think that I'm avoiding going deep, being vulnerable, figuring out what this next chapter is truly for and I think maybe it's time to stop hiding. 

I was afraid that without kids here with me all day I'd seem boring and useless, I  wouldn't have anything to say, I could never come back here because it wouldn't fit anymore. 

I was afraid. 

It's been a nice three weeks of much deserved vacation, but now it's time to get to work.