Behind

I am sitting on my couch with my feet to on my ottoman. There is a pain running up the side of my shin. I took over 10,000 steps today. I was a substitute intermediate school librarian, which you wouldn't think would result in a lot of walking or A lot of shin splints but here we are.

Today was better. It was better because I was busy, because I was serving, because I was with children, because I didn't have time to be in my head.

Yesterday my school district, where my kids go, where I sub, called every family in the district urging everyone to come in and interview for teaching jobs. Teaching jobs I don't think I actually want, that I'm not sure I'd be able to handle, but that I deeply resent other people leapfrogging me to get. That I am afraid of missing out on, afraid of losing. Afraid of getting. Afraid of not getting.

I am doubting all the life choices that led me here, the years of mothering that left me behind, left me with no resume, no confidence, no marketable skills. I'm sad and I'm scared and I'm angry and I'm resentful and I'm filled with regret.