Tuesday, March 13, 2012

You aren't broken

Yesterday was a bad day.

We haven't been sleeping around here, and it's bothering me more and more. I woke up yesterday angry and resentful, and all I could think was "How am I supposed to parent all day if I'm already this angry?"

I threw my toddler in the jogging stroller, mid tantrum, in her pajamas, and went out running to keep from exploding. I got home, changed my clothes and went straight to a playgroup. Keeping busy was the only way I could keep us from making each other crazy.

In the car, I started to feel better. She'd run herself silly at the playgroup. She'd take an early and long nap after. I could rest and recover, then we'd run some more in the afternoon. Maybe, just maybe, we'd finally sleep at night.

Then she woke from her nap in less than an hour and all my hope dropped through the floor. I couldn't keep going. I couldn't run all afternoon. I couldn't make her sleep at the right times. I couldn't fix it.

I was so angry, and I couldn't fix it.

Oh. So that's what I was upset about.

I need to run, I need to write, I need to sleep more. I need to eat right, I need to drink more water.

But I need to do all these things because I am a human being with basic needs. I don't need to do them to fix me.

Because I'm not broken.

And you? You don't need to be fixed either. Because YOU AREN'T BROKEN.

We need things because we are human beings. You need nourishment, you need love, you need purpose. Sometimes you need more than that; sometimes you are sick and you need treatment or you are struggling and you need help.

But there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You are already perfect, just like your baby is already perfect even when she isn't sleeping.

One more time, now, in case you didn't hear.

It's okay to need things. It makes you human. You aren't broken. You are already perfect.

If you don't hear it yet, come back and read it again later. And again and again. I'll be here.

12 comments:

  1. I'm glad you found your words :)

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  2. So true! We aren't sleeping around here either--mostly me and it makes everything else in life that much more dificult to deal with!

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  3. Hugs my dear!! Being deprived of sleep sucks sooooooo badly, it makes coping on the best of days a challenge. You are right, you aren't broken. BG is not broken. You will find a new rhythm and coping will be easier once again. You know what, you will also find that one day you aren't just coping . . . you are truly happily living your days.
    Jenn

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  4. Sending you huge hugs. Sleep deprivation makes me cranky. We all need to have our needs met. Brilliant post!

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  5. I need you to remember these words you write. But I also need to reread them myself. Over and over.

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  6. Wonderful, kind, and refreshing thoughts. I actually felt myself exhale and relax whilst reading this. YOU are awesome.

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  7. You rocked this. I thought I was coming here to hug you and instead you hugged me. xo

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    1. Well who on earth said I don't need a hug??

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  8. How do you know just the right words to say?

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  9. I have been feeling literally broken this week, guilty because I've needed to much help, and neglectful because I've had to take care of me more than everyone else. This is just what I needed to read. Thank you. <3

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  10. Oh my gosh I am so feeling this today as I've not slept for two days and I've been cleaning up barf, and poop for three. I swear if I get sick after all of this I'm going to jump a train, hobo style, outta here.

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  11. I'm a year late, but thank you for pointing me here today.

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