Yesterday was a bad day.
We haven't been sleeping around here, and it's bothering me more and more. I woke up yesterday angry and resentful, and all I could think was "How am I supposed to parent all day if I'm already this angry?"
I threw my toddler in the jogging stroller, mid tantrum, in her pajamas, and went out running to keep from exploding. I got home, changed my clothes and went straight to a playgroup. Keeping busy was the only way I could keep us from making each other crazy.
In the car, I started to feel better. She'd run herself silly at the playgroup. She'd take an early and long nap after. I could rest and recover, then we'd run some more in the afternoon. Maybe, just maybe, we'd finally sleep at night.
Then she woke from her nap in less than an hour and all my hope dropped through the floor. I couldn't keep going. I couldn't run all afternoon. I couldn't make her sleep at the right times. I couldn't fix it.
I was so angry, and I couldn't fix it.
Oh. So that's what I was upset about.
I need to run, I need to write, I need to sleep more. I need to eat right, I need to drink more water.
But I need to do all these things because I am a human being with basic needs. I don't need to do them to fix me.
Because I'm not broken.
And you? You don't need to be fixed either. Because YOU AREN'T BROKEN.
We need things because we are human beings. You need nourishment, you need love, you need purpose. Sometimes you need more than that; sometimes you are sick and you need treatment or you are struggling and you need help.
But there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you. You are already perfect, just like your baby is already perfect even when she isn't sleeping.
One more time, now, in case you didn't hear.
It's okay to need things. It makes you human. You aren't broken. You are already perfect.
If you don't hear it yet, come back and read it again later. And again and again. I'll be here.