Thursday, July 11, 2013

Because I deserve it

There's this thing I do when things start to get hard in my life or up in my head.  I decide to give myself a day off.  I put on yoga pants instead of jeans, cancel any plans, drink too much coffee and eat too much chocolate.  I tell myself it's okay to let the kids watch TV most of the day once in a while, that I don't have to get off the couch all day.  I tell myself that I'm allowed, that I DESERVE IT, that everyone needs a rest sometimes.

And it feels wonderful and indulgent and refreshing.  For about 5 minutes.  After that it sucks.

I don't want to go out or do anything or write or even play on the floor because it seems HARD and SCARY and completely overwhelming.  But the longer I sit on the couch, the more I try to "give myself a break," the worse I actually feel.

Whenever I try to explain this, I seem to get it wrong.  People tell me, "No, no, it really IS okay to let them watch TV.  It IS okay to rest.  You DO deserve it. Tell guilt to shove it."

But it's not guilt, really.

I get bored.  I get lonely.  I spend too much time on my computer trying to do something that makes me feel not bored and not lonely, and consequently I withdraw more from the things that will actually make me legitimately fulfilled or stimulated or connected.  I get in everyone else's business in the hopes that helping them will distract me from myself and make me feel good, and sometimes that works but sometimes it just sweeps me into more dramas.

I need to get dressed.  I need to get out. I need to clean my house and cook real food.  I need to write.  I need to just show up.  Even though I don't feel like it.

And this is different from faking it until I make it.  Because it isn't fake.  This put together person I haven't been able to find in the mirror, the one who is smart and capable and loving and brave, she is REALLY ME.  The sulky slob on the couch who doesn't care about anything is not.  And I'm not going to pretend to be happy when I'm not, I'm just going to step into the arena and be who I really am and start to face the things I've been lying to myself to avoid.

Because I deserve it.


  1. I know exactly what you mean. Exactly. And you're right. And I'm glad you're doing it.

  2. I so get this. It's scary to step out into the arena, but you've got so much support behind you. I'm here for you, cheering you on and holding your hand as you take those first scary steps.

  3. Wow, such an interesting way how you know yourself so deeply and well, and are in touch with what you need. I love that, "I need to keep showing up," great.

  4. I love this post, M. You are so honest and really smart about how you read yourself. (And now I don't feel as bad for encouraging you to go to the playground those times when you hesitated and I worried I was being too bossy!!)

  5. Yes, you do deserve it. You deserve to be accepted (by others AND by yourself) just as you are. I get the withdrawing, the feeling lonely and the boredom. I've been there too. It's something I really have to fight against some days.

  6. I SOOOOO get this. I do the same thing. It's hard to know where the line is between a needed break and a needed get up and around and out. This is one of the reasons I love running. Even though I can become really unmotivated, going for a run usually snaps me out of a couch slump.

  7. yes we all deserve to "plant daffodils' to feed the soul for tomorrow