On worth

My deepest fear is that I will become irrelevant.  Unnecessary.  My deepest fear is that no one will really need me. My deepest fear is that I don't matter.

If it's okay for me to leave my kids with someone else, if it's okay to ignore them while they watch TV or do something meaningless, then what is the point of me?

If my friends are okay without me, if they aren't leaning heavily on me, if they aren't pouring all of their problems and their worries and sometimes, yes, their happiness onto me, then how can I be their friend?

If I'm not being wise and taking care of someone, if I'm not doing just the right thing and having all the right words, if I'm not always there when I'm needed, before anyone even knows they need me (but they do), then how can I possibly have any worth?

What is worth?

People say to me that I shouldn't (SHOT) pin my worth on my helpfulness to others.  They tell me I have inherent worth, right now, for who I am, even when I'm not doing anything for anyone else.

I don't even know what the hell that means.

I am ashamed of being a martyr.  I am ashamed of hustling for worthiness.  I am ashamed of not being confident enough, not believing that I have inherent worth.

I don't want to be ashamed anymore.  That's the way of the spiral.  I know this.

I should know this.

I should know better.

(Double shot!)

How can I have worth that is separate from what I do for other people?  People say they don't just love me for my wisdom, for my teacher's heart, for my nurturing.  But that strikes me as a little bit of BS really.

Because what else am I?

When people don't need me, I am overcome with this feeling of anxiety.  I don't know what to do with myself.  I don't know who I am.  I feel so alone.

But the thing is, when I do say something helpful and wise, when I do have the right words, the other shame voice follows.  There's that brief moment of feeling whole, feeling like myself, feeling like I've been and done exactly what I was made for.

And then there's the "Who do you think you are?"

"Do you think this matters?  Do you think this is real?  You are a hypocrite.  You are a phony.  You aren't a therapist, and therefore you aren't qualified for this.  You aren't really wise, you are just pretending.  Everyone is going to find you out.  They're going to realize that this isn't real.   Do you really think this gives you worth?  HA."

I'm not supposed to hustle.  I'm not supposed to think my worth springs from my actions.  I fail because my assumptions are faulty.  There will never be enough to make me feel complete until I start from a place of completeness.

But what is worth?  What is worthiness?  Where does it come from?  How does one have it?

I just don't understand.