Contradictions

My daughter is asleep right now. She is going on three hours of nap. Which means at any second she is going to wake up.

I miss her. I am acutely and completely full of a longing to have her in my arms, curled up against my chest, my head in her hair.

And I am at the exact same moment completely full of gratitude for this time by myself, of a sense of relief for the quiet provided by this nap, and a slight but perceivable sense of dread of that moment when she is about to wake up.

I am consumed by this contradiction. I am full of the complete nonsense of it. Of the longing and the dread, of the need to both be with her and not be with her.

I dream of date nights with my husband, of nights out with friends, of long chunks of time in which to take classes, go to writing workshops, sit in silence and stare at a wall.

And I start to hyperventilate a little at the thought of being away from her.

I am shaken to my core by the wanting, by the cognitive dissonance of my desires, by my inability to reconcile the different needs. Because I want both the separateness and the togetherness, and I want them both ALL THE TIME.

There isn't a solution. There is only the saying out loud of it. And in the moment of a nap not-quite-over, all I can do is sit with the contradictions and believe that knowing this is enough.

Life's lessons: Big Dreams

1. So that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that I've had all week? Those tears I've been fighting? The running around in circles I've been doing?
   
2. I want to be a writer.
   
3. Saying that out loud scares the hell out of me.
   
4. Which is probably why I need to say it.
   
5. And if I'm being honest, I don't even know what it means.
   
6. I don't know what I want to write. Or where. Or when. Or how. Or for who. Or even why.
   
7. All I know is that there is this voice in the back of my head that says "I want to be a writer."
   
8. And that when it does I suddenly become very interested in unloading my dishwasher. Or taking up running. Or catching up on my twitter stream.
   
9. And I'm starting to realize that that resistance? Means I've hit on the right thing.
   
10. The excuses and the ways out: not enough time, no money, can't take attention away from my baby, my husband needs me, my friends need me, there're other things I should be doing, it's a stupid goal, it doesn't mean anything, I don't have anything to write about, no one wants to read what I have to say, I don't know how to do it...
    
11. All of that is just my mind trying to protect me.
    
12. Because what if I try and I fail? What if my whole life I've had this idea in my head that if I just found the right moment and the right thing to write about I could be great, and then I try it and I find out that I'm totally wrong? That I'm no good, that I can't do it.
    
13. But what if I don't?
    

11 questions

The beautiful Robin from Farewell Stranger tagged me with these 11 questions, and to be honest it scared the crap out of me. I mean, I felt beyond honored that she'd think of me, but she made it pretty hard to crawl into a hole and hide, which is kind of my MO. But, she asked wonderful questions. Important questions. And, so, here it is.

What’s your superpower?

My superpower is kindness.

Is that a lame answer? There was also this time in high school when I was convinced I could read people's minds because I always knew who was going to date before they knew themselves. But I guess that's not reading people's minds as much as it is reading their reactions and responses. So I guess my superpower is being aware of people's needs and emotions. Does that count?

What blog do you never miss? (And you can’t say mine because (a) that would be BS and (b) this is not me fishing for compliments.)

If I had to pick one, it would be Rach's blog, Life Ever Since. I love her to pieces, and I make sure to read everything she writes even when I'm not as great a commenter as she is.

If I got to pick two, I would include Farewell stranger. And that's not BS, so there. :-P

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Actually, I kind of like my name. I suppose if I had to pick another name, I like Emily. Which you all now know is not my name.

Do you consider yourself a “blogger” or a “writer”?

It's hard for me to think of myself as either. Most days, I just think of myself as someone who has a blog. My whole life I have wanted to be a writer. I think all the time about how much I "want to be" a writer.

What was your biggest failure and what did you learn from it?

This one was really hard for me. I haven't really failed a lot. But I haven't failed a lot because I don't do things I'm not good at. I don't take risks.

So, I guess that's my biggest failure. That I've never tried. And I guess I'm still learning from that one.

What’s the most embarrassing song in your collection?

I'm honestly not that into music. But I guess if we dig back far enough, does Alanis Morisette's "You oughta know" count?

Are you shy?

Painfully, breathtakingly shy.

How do you prioritize yourself in your own life?

Somewhere below my family and friends, but somewhere above vacuuming my carpets. This is a work in progress.

Where do you stand on chocolate?

Chocolate, in all its forms, is essential.

What’s your biggest source of inspiration (other than your family, etc.)?

I draw a lot of my inspiration from things I read or hear. Often, I'll just hear a certain phrase or offhand comment and I get a bug in my ear about it and start walking around hashing it out with myself for a day or so until I have a blog post in my head.

But I'm always looking for new sources of inspiration.

What do you hope to do this year that you’re really excited about?

Well. I don't know. And I think that's okay. I guess I am just hoping to find a direction. That's pretty darn exciting.

The rules:
You must post these rules.
Each person must post 11 things about herself on his/her blog.
Answer the questions the “tagger” listed for you in her post, and create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
You must choose 11 people to tag and link to them in the post.
Go to each blogger’s page and mention that you have tagged him/her.

So, here are my 11 questions:

1. Why do you blog? What inspired you to start?
2. What are you proudest of in your life right now?
3. What trait do you admire most in others? Why?
4. If you could meet one "big" or "famous" blogger in real life, who would it be?
5. How do you balance blogging and social media with the rest of your life?
6. What is the biggest source of support in your life? How did you find it?
7. When you were a kid, what did you say you wanted to be when you grew up?
8. What would you do for fun or self care, if you could do anything you wanted?
9. If you could bring just one book with you to a desert island, what book would it be?
10. Do you prefer cake or pie?
11. What is your favorite word? Why?

And I am tagging (without any pressure) (much)

Becky at Just breathe
Jamie at James and Jax
Charity at Giggles and Grimaces
Lindsay at Lil Love and Luck
Susan at Learned Happiness
Jenn at Fox in the City
Jamie at Am I really a grownup?
Sandy at Not Just the Blues
Imperfect Momma at Really, I'm a Mom?
Jenn at So this is love

And I'm tagging Jenny. For whenever she gets her blog set up. ;)