My daughter is asleep right now. She is going on three hours of nap. Which means at any second she is going to wake up.
I miss her. I am acutely and completely full of a longing to have her in my arms, curled up against my chest, my head in her hair.
And I am at the exact same moment completely full of gratitude for this time by myself, of a sense of relief for the quiet provided by this nap, and a slight but perceivable sense of dread of that moment when she is about to wake up.
I am consumed by this contradiction. I am full of the complete nonsense of it. Of the longing and the dread, of the need to both be with her and not be with her.
I dream of date nights with my husband, of nights out with friends, of long chunks of time in which to take classes, go to writing workshops, sit in silence and stare at a wall.
And I start to hyperventilate a little at the thought of being away from her.
I am shaken to my core by the wanting, by the cognitive dissonance of my desires, by my inability to reconcile the different needs. Because I want both the separateness and the togetherness, and I want them both ALL THE TIME.
There isn't a solution. There is only the saying out loud of it. And in the moment of a nap not-quite-over, all I can do is sit with the contradictions and believe that knowing this is enough.
I'm exactly the same way. For example, I love being at work, where I can eat when/what I want without sharing, pee alone, and have computer time without having to play toddler games 35 times. But also I miss my kiddo SO freaking much that some days I even cry a little--ssssh, that's our secret. I need/crave the time alone, but I also miss my kid while I'm alone. It's confusing!
ReplyDeleteI'm the same way. I miss her when she naps, but then I jump when she wakes too early from a nap or from bedtime. I wonder if all moms feel this way too?
ReplyDeleteI completely understand this.
ReplyDeleteI signed my son up for school the other day and I began sobbing. He's going every day all day. Like whoa. All I keep thinking about is not being with him. I've been a SAHM for a year and he's been my shadow...my partner in crime...my cookie dough mixer...and he'll be off to school.
Today I almost wanted to forgoe his nap but then I realized naptime is the only time I can do other things like poop in peace...sigh...being a mom is hard stuff.
I so get this. I got to get off of work early, and I miss my girls dearly. I really am relishing the peace and quiet right now before they jump all over me and demand my attention. I think part of being a mom is this constant push and pull of wanting to be with them and craving alone time.
ReplyDeleteI don't experience this particular contradiction, but I am full of others in my life. The pull between two choices, two worlds. Wanting both together, but separate. Big hugs! You're navigating tough waters.
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