I wish I were braver.
(Subjunctive tense. I am a grammar genius. Count it. Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. About how I am avoiding this topic. Wait no, that wasn't it, was it?)
(Sigh, let's start again, shall we?)
Last week, I walked to a metro station in Maryland, got on a subway with my baby in her stroller and took her to the zoo. And I did it all by myself. Cue applause.
Only ... not. Because that's ridiculous. Because it's ridiculous for that to be a big deal. Because it's really not hard to get on a train. Because it's even less hard to go to the grocery store, to pick up a phone and call someone, to drive a few blocks out of your way to get a cupcake you really want.
Except these things terrify me.
Yael wrote a post a while ago about our comfort zones. About how stepping out of them is overrated. About how we need to take care of ourselves and that makes it okay to stay in.
But I've stayed in my comfort zone my whole life. And I'm not very comfortable here.
Lately it seems like all the bloggers I admire most are saying, "If blogging feels hard, if you feel the pressure from it, if you can't write every day, then let it go. Write less. Let go of the guilt." And I read it and think "Oh good, I'm off the hook."
Except I don't want to be off the hook.
I want the pressure. Because otherwise I won't do it.
Because I need it to be scary. I need to be scared. I need to do it anyway.
Because the zoo? Was lovely. And the train? Was just a train.
Oh, I so get this.
ReplyDeleteI have toddler twins and a 4yo, and we never go ANYWHERE alone because I find it all too overwhelming/scary.
I have trouble with things like that too. I have a hard time even driving downtown in my own city - let alone get on a train in an unfamiliar town!
ReplyDeleteYou should be proud of yourself sweetie. Small steps. You are very brave & I'm sure BG enjoyed seeing the zoo because of it :)
There have been times in my life when I was scared to go into a grocery story. My own private hell called Social Anxiety. But when I had twins? Combined with PPD? Ugh, I don't even like to think about it. Seriously, I'm applauding you for 1) Getting on a train 2) with a baby and 3)going to the zoo. All three of those things are awesome!
ReplyDeleteWith my first, the idea of going to the grocery store without Brad to help overwhelmed me. I went to the zoo but I drove there and I always had someone else with me. I think you were crazy brave to get on the subway and do that . . . just so you know.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, with my second we were out and about all of the time because the thought of being trapped in the house with the two of them for a prolonged period of time was overwhelming. Hell, one day I took them to the zoo (by myself) and once we got home we pretty much headed to the Early Years Centre for their drop-in program.
Slowly step out of that comfort zone and try new things. Sometimes the pay off is awesome, other times not so much but in the end you will be proud of yourself for trying.
I beat myself up for not being braver too. I totally get this. In fact, stepping outside my comfort zone was my new years resolution and my blog was my biggest step in that direction. However, here's a secret I am ashamed to admit - I have only driven a handful of times since my daughter was born, none of them on my own and it has been almost a year since I've sat behind the wheel. Trick or treating with my friend and our girls the other night turned into a near disaster when (shock horror), we were asked to join a toddler party and she accepted! I was watching my daughter have a blast and I still was an axious wreck inside! The party was more of a low key gathering and should have been no big deal but I couldn't get out of there soon enough. Well done for the subway trip to the zoo and kudos for setting yourself the goal for stepping out of your comfort zone!
ReplyDeleteYou are braver than you know. Being brave isn't about the absence of fear; it's facing that fear head on. I was so afraid and nervous of leaving the house with my oldest daughter. Just going to the mom's group that my hospital offered once a week was overwhelming for me. Keep taking baby steps and gradually step out of your comfort zone.
ReplyDelete@jenrenpody
Sometimes you just need to build up courage in small steps. Sure I've traveled across Europe, but taking a new baby to the grocery store by myself was terrifying. We live and learn. You're doing great.
ReplyDeleteHoly moly can I relate. I have 7 month old twins and I have to force myself to go out with them. It's so overwhelming. I think it's so brave for you to get on the metro and go to the zoo!
ReplyDeleteI also understand needing the pressure to blog, but hating it at the same time. I posted about exactly that just a few days ago. http://barewood.wordpress.com/2011/11/01/on-blogging-part-2
I hope you don't think that's spammy of me to post. I was just so like, wow when I read that! I'm glad Charity sent me to your blog.
Jenny