Wednesday, November 16, 2011

In my head

Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?

When I was a teenager, my mom used to tell me that the reason I was being cranky, or teary, or bitchy, or whatever was because my blood sugar was low. Or because I hadn't slept enough. Or because I was hormonal.

And I hated it, I hated it so much. What I was feeling was real and I wanted it to be seen as valid. If I was upset, it was because something was upsetting. If I was frustrated it was because something was frustrating.

And I hated it even more because she was usually right.

But so was I.

I know that depression is a disease. I know that it tells us things that aren't true. I know.

But I miss my friends and family. And I am still having trouble making friends. And I'm still figuring out a whole new identity. And DH and I don't have a lot of help here. (BG has never been left with anyone other than us. Not even for an hour.) And teething sucks. And temper tantrums suck worse. And I'm sad. And I'm lonely. And I'm frustrated. And all that is real.

But maybe I should go eat something. Just in case.
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11 comments:

  1. JennyNovember 16, 2011 at 3:03 PM

    I loved that this post started off with a Harry Potter quote. The literature nerd in me squealed a little.

    Depression can affect you physically, emotionally and spiritually. It stinks when our parents don't validate our feelings. Because we internalize that and don't always validate our own feelings as adults.

    Motherhood is a huge transition. You are rocking this with very little social support. You inspire me as you continue to battle this. It will get better. Sending you hugs.

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  2. Chunky MamaNovember 16, 2011 at 3:06 PM

    I had my first child right after moving to a new town, and I spent the first 8 months of my son's life feeling lonely and a little overwhelmed because we didn't have much help either. I ended up joining a group called MOMS Club Int'l which felt like a life saver at the time. I met so many amazing people, and even though I am no longer a member of the club, several of the moms will be friends for life.

    Hope the snack helped. Maybe a nap too?
    *hugs from someone who has BEEN THERE.*

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  3. Jenn@Fox in the CityNovember 16, 2011 at 3:16 PM

    Ah hun, I am so sorry that you are sad and lonely right now. I have been so lucky in that I haven't had to make friends since university . . . which makes it so much easier to make new friends.

    Teething and tantums do suck . . . badly . . . and they suck the energy right out of mommy and daddy.

    I will be there as much as I can but I know that that is of little help when all you crave is a friend close by to help make it through those hard days.
    (((((hugs)))))
    Jenn

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  4. signingcharityNovember 16, 2011 at 5:01 PM

    You are rocking the mama gig. And you are right on all accounts above.

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  5. Rach (DonutsMama)November 16, 2011 at 6:07 PM

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time. You know I'd invite you over if you lived closer. :)

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  6. danielleNovember 16, 2011 at 8:14 PM

    Isolation makes the depression echo something awful, doesn't it? I'm an hour+ drive away from most of my family/friends (after growing up with my mom's siblings/my cousins all close by). It's just far enough to be a pain, you know, like a tease? If you were nearby, I'd have you over for tea and commiseration. Go easy on yourself, okay?

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  7. KimberlyNovember 16, 2011 at 10:34 PM

    I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now. Are there mom groups in your area that you can join? Do you have close friends or neighbors?

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  8. elizabethtNovember 17, 2011 at 9:21 AM

    i'm so, so sorry things are so rough. because these are totally valid and real things to be frustrated/upset/etc by. my mom used to do that to me, too, and i could never explain why i HATED blaming my monthly Day of Tears on hormones, because it's not like i'd just made up a bunch of imaginary things to be sad about. but you explained it. and i know things will get better, but hang in there. you really are doing great. xoxoxoxoxo

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  9. KimberlyNovember 17, 2011 at 11:19 AM

    All I got are giant hugs from Canada...
    xoxo

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  10. beckykidNovember 18, 2011 at 11:13 AM

    Harry Potter :)

    So proud of you for putting this out there. Your feelings ARE valid & it DOES suck. Reaching out is the best thing you can do.

    I want to go visit you & have a harry potter marathon. I'll bring the cookies & extra commas, & yanno, make sure you to eat 'em.

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  11. UnknownNovember 20, 2011 at 6:29 PM

    You are so right. But you know what? You're doing a great job.

    If we lived closer, I would be right there for a play date. I promise I would clean up after my child. ;)

    I also love the Harry Potter quote.

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