I keep reading about being present, and I'm not sure I know how.
It sounds so wonderful. I want to slow down, to experience each moment - or at least some of those moments - in a more complete way. To sit on the floor with one of my daughters and be wholly engrossed in what she's doing. To think of nothing else but blocks or princesses or the imaginary tea I'm sipping. To not be worried about the dinner, or what the next activity will be, or how long it is until naptime. To really experience everything with every one of my senses and faculties, and to remember it afterwards in a way that is both physical and spiritual.
Is that really something that happens to people?
I know I need to get rid of some of the noise, that I need to keep my computer and TV shut off for more of the day. I know that I already do a good job listening to my big girl, that I do enough snuggling my little one. I know that I could do better, but that I am doing plenty good enough as a mother. I know that in the long term it will matter.
But I want it to matter now.
Sometimes, when we're all cuddled on the couch, I get glimpses of it. I have seconds where all of me is flooded with the reality of being a mom, and I am suddenly not waiting for a thing and am filled with gratitude.
The rest of the time? At my best, I'm thinking of objectives and goals, of how what we're doing will get us to the next best place. At my worst, I'm overwhelmed and completely shut off.
I know, I KNOW that it's okay not to cherish every moment, that there will be plenty more moments. That my kids are getting from me what they need, and most of the time I'm getting plenty back from them.
But I go to write and I realize that from the past 2.5 years of being a mom I can hardly remember a thing. Where have I been? For good or for bad, I want to be here, now.