Yesterday was DH's first day back at work since my little one was born. I was nervous and eager and ready to try so hard to do everything right.
We went outside and played in the snow. We snuggled on the couch, all three of us. BG and I played with playdough, with princesses, with blocks. We baked cornbread and emptied the dishwasher together. I cleaned the bathrooms. I propped the baby up in the Boppy and folded three loads of laundry.
There were some hard moments, like when the little one woke up and started crying (what?? she cries???) just as I was tucking BG in for her nap, or when BG decided to pull stuff out of the trash while I was nursing, but overall? I felt like a rockstar.
Today? Not so much.
The baby decided to power nurse for two hours last night, and again when she woke up this morning. BG woke up with a nightmare at 5, then slept until 8 (of course waking up in the middle of a nursing session and quickly working herself into a frenzy when I didn't come upstairs).
I was tired. I was flustered. I was determined to not set expectations too high.
We did nothing all morning but stay in our pajamas and watch TV until 11:30.
BG asked for a fruit leather for breakfast and I gave it to her.
I put the baby down in the swing, and then on her mat, and then in the swing again because when BG does nothing but watch TV all morning, she gets a little bit difficult to deal with and I need both my hands.
I had to yell at BG for climbing on top of her sister. For trying to push her in the swing. For throwing my water glass across the room.
This morning wasn't great, people. I'm not a genius at this mom of two thing.
It's naptime now. I tried to sleep, I swear I did. But really all I wanted to do was lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for a while. Rest. Process. Recover.
I'm still tired. I'm still not a genius at this. But I'm okay.
And while I'm well aware that it's easy to be okay while both kids are sleeping, and that this afternoon might suck again, I'm kind of okay with that.
The thing I never understood about being kind to myself and giving myself grace is this: it's not that if you're kind to yourself, the day will go well and you'll feel better. It's that you're kind to yourself even if the day sucks and you feel like crap. That you recognize that you don't have to fix it, that no permanent damage is being done, and that even if you're not enjoying it, you're safe and whole and not at all broken.
And that's why today's okay.