More things I like about me

Six months ago, I got pressured by my sweetest bloggy friends into writing a post of Things I like about me for a link up with the lovely Ciao Mom. It was the hardest post I'd ever written.

That link up led to the creation of Elena's project Just Be Enough, a group blog that I love and admire very much. I've followed their posts and participated in their link ups. Then last week I got an email saying that they were bringing back Things I like about me.

Seriously? I have to do this again?!?

So, here we go.

• I have a gift for listening. I really hear what people say.
  
• I am very self aware. That's not always the easiest gift to carry, but it has made my life richer.
  
• I'm a fast learner.
  
• I am full of stories, and I see stories everywhee.
  
• I know how to make people smile.
  
• In the past year, I have been braver than I've been in my whole life.
  
• I'm a good teacher. Even when I'm not teaching.
  
• I'm a good mom. A really good mom.
  

Thanks Elena and the rest of the Just Be Enough Me team. Thanks for helping me learn how to be this person.

In progress

Peace and purpose. That's all I've ever asked the universe for.

When I hold my snuggly sleepy baby on my tummy, pressing my nose into her hair, I can be fully engulfed by her. In that moment, I know that being her mom is one of the most important and fulfilling things I'll ever do.

But I? Am still a person. And I'm a person who has a purpose beyond "just" being a mom.

I just don't know what it is yet.

I want to create something that is beautiful. I want to help people. I want to increase the quantity of peace and love in the universe and decrease the quantity of pain. I want to do something, to make something I'm proud of. Something that is all about me and at the same time, not all about me.

I just can't quite see how to do that yet.

And that's okay.

(Deep breath)

And that's okay.

I don't have all the answers. I don't know who I am going to end up being, what I am going to end up doing. I don't know how the story ends.

I am a work in progress. A beautiful, delicate work in progress.

And right now? That's not such a bad thing to be.

What if?

What if instead of making resolutions we couldn't possibly keep, we just focused on making every day the best day it could be?

What if instead of trying to lose weight or declutter the house or take a million photographs we just tried to be happy and to make those around us happy?

What if instead of worrying about the end of the holiday season and the beginning of the New Year, we just decided today would be an ordinary day, but that every ordinary day would be extraordinary?

What if instead of setting goals based on numbers or outcomes, we just strove to make positive progress towards the good, and to do that with every step we take?

What if instead of starting the New Year by pointing out all of our own flaws, we started by celebrating ourselves for where we are right now?

What if we all decided to sleep more, to laugh more, to play more, to give more, but we also decided that on any given day it would be perfectly acceptable to do none of the above?

What kind of a world would that be?



I'm linking up with Just Be Enough for Be Enough Me. Wishing you all a happy New Year, one that is filled with love and winning and most of all with hope.

Be enough me: I am striving for purpose

All I am looking for in life is a purpose. I want to matter.

I know that I matter to my baby girl. I know that I am her entire world. I know, and I'm glad.

I know that I matter to my husband, and that he'd be completely lost without me, thankyouverymuch.

I know that I have some loving, darling friends and family to whom I matter very much.

But what I mean to say is this.

What I want more than anything is to be someone or to create something that really matters, to the world. Something that changes everything and everyone I touch for the better.

I believe in the power of love, in the power of beauty, in the power of kindness. I believe that when we do the ordinary things in extraordinary ways they can change the world. I believe that the personal is political, that the little things aren't little.

So, you see, what I'm striving for isn't a lot. Except for the fact that it's everything.

What I want, more than anything, is to do something that truly matters. It doesn't need to change the world - at least not more than anything else does - but it needs to change something, to change someone.

If I can do that? I will be a success.

The topic for this week's Be Enough Me was, "What are you striving for?"

I don't give parenting advice. I give hugs.

I saw a post the other day for freelance articles about parenting. Part of me (the part that wants to do this writing thing in a professional capacity) wanted to jump at it. Then I thought about it for a second and realized I didn't have anything to say about parenting.

Wait, what?

Part of my goal for this blog is to help new moms who feel like they are all alone. If that's you and you're reading this, I want to give you a big hug. You're not alone. None of us are. The truth is, some moms have more skills than others. Some babies eat better or sleep better than others. None of this is your fault, and you aren't doing a thing wrong. And I'm so glad you found your way here, and I so want you to be part of the conversation.

But if you are looking for answers to your questions? I'm very sorry. I can't tell you how to get your child to behave, or eat, or sleep. Honestly, your guess is as good as mine. Better probably.

I've spent enough time searching the Internet for answers to know that there really aren't any out there. Or maybe there are some answers, for some people, but lemme tell you, I don't have any of them.

And the more I think about it, the more I start to understand who I am, and who I want to be. Yesterday I wrote about how I felt like I wasn't doing anything. Like my house was a mess and I didn't have a thing to show for it. Like I wasn't good at a single thing in the world.

But I am. I'm good at this. I'm good at comforting people. (...Right...?) My place in the world, my gift, my calling all have to do with hearing people and with helping them to see what is good in them. Nothing, and I mean nothing, has the ability to bring me back from the brink the way helping someone does.

The thing that I know, the thing that I am good at, the thing that absolutely fuels me, is my love and compassion. So, if I've ever helped you? Thank *you.* You're what keeps me going.

I am a champion at sitting

Lately, I've had an inexplicable amount of nervous energy, so today during naptime, I decided to play Wii Fit.

Win #1: I turned it on.

I had to put batteries in the fit board. It had been over a year since I'd played. My mii looked all slouchy and tired and sad. Hey, nobody likes a judgy mii. But then, just when I thought I was about to get scolded...

Win #2: It asked me where my husband had been lately. Score.

I did my "fitness test." My center of gravity was very far to the left. That's the baby carrying hip, people. Duh. But my weight was lower than the last time I played. (Yes, pre-baby. Yes. That could be a win. But we all know it's just Baby Girl's insistent habit of eating, so I'm not taking credit.)

I ran. I tried to hit imaginary soccer balls with my head (not very successfully). I made it about two yards on the imaginary tight rope. I almost sprained something pretending to hula hoop. And then, my ultimate win.

Win #3. Grand Champion. I got the high score on the Zen Meditation game. (Yes, competitive Zen Meditiation. Quiet, you.)

If you aren't familiar with the game, it is a balance game, the entire goal of which is to sit completely still on the balance board and focus on a picture of a flame. The game tries to distract you with some noises, movement, and a moth flickering by (and very disturbingly catching fire). If you move at all, the balance board detects it and the flame goes out, immediately ending the game.

People? I have never been able to sit for more than 30 seconds.

Today I stared at that flame for 150 seconds. Without moving. I sat still and focused on one thing for two and a half minutes. Without flinching or moving or jumping up to check twitter.

That? Makes me proud.



I'm linking up with the Be Enough Me Monday link up. Late again. But that's okay because I'm awesome at sitting. You should link up too. It's awesome.

My love is enough

In case I haven't mentioned it? This mom gig is hard. This tiny person who I held in my arms the moment she was born is a complete and total mystery to me. I don't know what she wants to eat, when she wants to sleep, how she wants to play. She cries and I don't know what's wrong.

Calculus I can do. Nap schedules blow my mind.

Some days I get so frustrated and disappointed that I scream. Or I sit down with my head on the couch and cry.

And on those days, do you know what Baby Girl does? Crawls into my lap. Hugs me. Noms on my face. And giggles.

And do you know why?

Because I am a good mom. I am a really good mom.

I don't need to buy the best toys or serve the most perfect homemade organic baby food to be a good mom. I don't need to spend every second of my day playing with the baby and coming up with brilliant and creative ways to stimulate her. I don't need to have a plan or even know what I'm doing really. I just need to love my little girl.

I don't like the word just there.

I love my little girl. And my love is the most powerful force in the universe. And that's why even when I falter or flail, even when I feel defeated, Baby Girl is still happy and healthy and beautiful and so crazy about me that neither of us can stand it.

My love is enough. My love is more than enough.

I am enough because I see the good

I honestly thought this would be harder than it was, but I've had a really good week.

1. Yesterday morning I played an epic game of peek-a-boo with the baby. Even though I was tired. Even though I wanted to do other things. She laughed and laughed and laughed. So I did too.

2. I got two facebook messages from former students yesterday. The first a message to tell me that "Even though I hated Brave New World when we studied it, it's now my favorite book. I thought you'd be proud." He's 21 now. I am proud.

The second, one of my last students tagged me in a picture of the ridiculous collage they made of my white board when they found out I was leaving 2 years ago. I thanked her for posting it, and 5 students liked my comment within ten minutes.

3. I got the most amazing comment from Susan on my Rainy Day Letter. She told me that by writing, I am helping other people find Peace and Purpose. There is nothing in the world I'd rather do.

With that kind of week, how could I not feel good about myself? And yet that's not true. I could. I choose to see the beauty and the wonder in all of these small things, just like I choose to see the good in everyone else around me. Does that mean I don't realize that people are mean and ugly sometimes? Of course not. It's just what I choose to see, and I can choose to recognize that good in myself too.

A month ago? I don't think I could have. I thought I was invisible, I thought I was gone. But I'm not. I'm still the woman I always was. I'm her and so much more.

I've always said that I wanted nothing more than to change the world, to make people's lives better, to make things a little more beautiful for me having been there. And now I know I can.

Because I already am. Because I have been all along.