5 ways to enjoy your days with your kids more

One of my goals for February is to try to enjoy my at home days with my kids more.  I am tired of all of us zoning out in front of PBS, usually with my computer open next to me.  I'm also not interested in going to the other extreme and wearing myself out by trying to please everyone but me.  I want to have fun too.

So, here are the 5 principles I'm going to work on to try to enjoy this whole motherhood ride a little more.  Most of it is probably as wrong as it is right, but that's the way with everything, isn't it?

1.  Do things you enjoy and are good at.  Motherhood shouldn't be a constant sacrifice.  Why can't the things that you do with your kid be fun for both of you?  It sounds stupid, but it's so much easier to enjoy activities with kids when you choose activities you enjoy.  I have no knack for crafts or sensory play, but I love to read and I throw a damn good tea party.  (If you were wondering?  BG takes her imaginary tea with 15 imaginary sugars.  Pooh Bear takes one.  Baby just drinks milk.)

2.  Do things you don't enjoy and aren't good at.  I am not good at drawing.  I can't carry a tune.  When it comes to throwing and catching, I am not gifted.  In my pre-mom life, I was successful by studiously avoiding everything at which I didn't excel.  My kid doesn't let me get away with that crap.  And the truth is, whatever I draw or sing, or whatever direction I throw a basketball in, she thinks it's fantastic.  And that's pretty amazing.

3. Try to let go of perfectionism.  The point of doing a craft or a baking project or anything is the process of doing it together, not the product.  This is so hard for me, as I grit my teeth while cookie dough flies across the room, or try not to correct her when she reads the book "all by myself."  But I'm trying.  And I'm growing.

4.  Don't plan every minute - but plan some of them.  If I have no ideas for things we can do, I usually feel defeated pretty quickly.  The vast uninterrupted span of time in a full day at home with both kids is really not good for my brain.  I tend to turn the TV on and leave it on just to have something happening.  But on days when I say "Okay, we're going to bake something, fold laundry together, and play Just Dance," then I feel better - even when the activities I plan only take a few minutes out of the long stretch.  It also becomes a problem though when I think I need to fill every minute with "meaningful activities."  We all need some margin, and some downtime, and BG is perfectly capable of figuring out what to do herself some of the time. I can either follow her lead or do my own thing, and both are beneficial.

5. Give yourself permission not to enjoy it all.  For goodness sake, who could?  Sometimes, you play in the snow or let your kid play with playdough, and you are looking at your watch the whole time, and that's totally normal!  The less pressure you have to enjoy everything your kid does, the more you'll be willing to let *them* do it, and the more you'll find moments you do enjoy.

Doing it right: Love and patience and grace

 My sweet big girl has been sick this weekend.  After two years, it was about time we broke our no fever streak, I suppose.  I spent most of yesterday just trying to survive with my sweet two year old and my sweet 7 week old both competing for all of my love, attention and physical contact.

And I did.  I did survive.

And it didn't look pretty.  It involved pajamas and lots of TV and a messy house.  But it also involved lots of cuddling and forgiveness and oodles of love.

Here's what else I did right this week:

1.  On Friday, before the sickies hit, BG and I baked cookies.  I caught myself getting impatient and perfectionist, and made a good effort to just breathe as she helpfully threw handfuls of dough on the cookie sheet and floor.

2.  I made Ah-maaaah-zing short ribs for dinner last night.  Mmmmmmmm.

3.  I cheerfully played with blocks while nursing the baby this morning.

4.  I read all the blogs in my reader.

One month of my one word

We're one month into the year, and it's time to check in on my one word progress.

Right around now?  I'm wishing I had picked "survive" instead.

Kidding.  Sorta.

The word I did choose, grow, is a little bit harder, but there's a reason for that.  It means that instead of just treading water, I'm consciously choosing to let everything I do and everything that happens move me forward.  And I'm choosing to see the ways in which it has, even when things seem like they suck a little.

And this month, I really have grown.

I'm reading and I'm writing. I'm seeing the good in my days, and particularly in myself.  I'm choosing not to let the hard stuff and the screw ups define me.  I'm choosing to act, to get up and do something even when I don't know what the right thing to do is.  I'm doing things that make me feel happy and accomplished and finding ways to make my life easier.

If you had asked me two months ago how I'd be doing right now, I would have guessed that my head would be just barely above water.  But the truth is, even when it's really hard and even when I'm struggling, I'm doing better than I had been for a while, better than I was doing with only one kid in the house and no snow on the ground.

And every week, every choice, every action, everything I learn and everything I do, brings me forward.  I'm not really sure where I'm going to end up at the end of it, but that's not really the point.  The point is that I am always growing.

I'm linking up with Just Be Enough, and hope you will too.  How are you doing with your One Word?

Sisters

We were driving home from dinner, my husband and I in the front seat of the car, both girls in the back.  The little one had been sleeping since we'd left home, so we knew we were already on borrowed time before we heard the whimpers start.  My husband and I glanced at each other, silently assessing how long until we would be home, how long we had until she erupted into screams.

BG had different ideas.

"Mommy, pick up this baby!  Mommy!  This baby needs milk!"

Ever since I got pregnant, I've worried about how to do right by everyone.  Someone, it seemed, was sure to get shortchanged.  Would big sister be forever heartbroken at the loss of my undivided attention?  Would little sister always get less than what her big sister got?  How could this be fair to anyone?  What had I done to my poor little girls?

But, for the most part, it hasn't been that way.  My big girl asks for her little sister every morning when she wakes up, right after asking for mommy and daddy.  She points out when it's the baby's turn, protectively hovers when the baby is crying, offers toys and blankets at any opportunity.

My little girl kicks happily by herself on her playmat, seems to enjoy a little alone time in her swing, but also gazes intently when her older sister puts a face three inches away from hers.

And sure, there are times when it's hard.  When BG says, "No mommy!  Daddy take baby!  I take mommy!"  or wants me to twirl RIGHT NOW while I'm feeding.  When my little one decides to start screaming hysterically right when I need to put her sister down for a nap, when she Will Not Be Put Down at a time when the two year old is FINALLY asking to use the potty.  When I don't know how to be in two places at once, and I feel like I'm ripping in half because I can't make everyone happy.

But yesterday, when I was winding my big girl down for her nap, and she had just started to melt into me on the couch, the baby started whimpering.  I knew she'd want to eat soon, but I wanted to put her off just a little so I could get her sister to  bed, so I started shushing and patting her.

Her head laid against my chest and without taking her eyes off Daniel Tiger on the TV, BG reached across me.  She crooked her index finger, pressing the second knuckle to her sister's lips.  The baby opened her eyes wide, opened her mouth to gently suck on the offered finger, and stopped fussing.

"Oooh, baby sister,"  giggled my eldest.  "Baby sister kiss me."

I think what I'm giving my girls is more than enough.

Doing it right: It's not me

This week, I had to dig deep to think of what I've been doing right.  I made some seemingly huge mistakes this week, one involving a car and the side of my garage, and it's been hard to get past that.  And as far as daily life goes, I feel like I took a huge step backwards with some of the things I've been working on.  The counters aren't clear, the TV's been on all  day, and I haven't been unplugging AT ALL.

But here's the thing.

None of those things define who I am or what I'm worth.  They're all things that happened or things I've done, and some of them I really regret.  But they aren't me.

This is something new for me.  To separate the things I've done from who I am, to feel guilty but not ashamed, to be able to come back from something I feel crappy about and not let it take me over completely.  It's hard.  Really hard.  But all new skills are hard, and I hate being at the beginning of things, I suck at sucking at things.  And this may be the most important skill I've ever learned.

So, that's what I've been doing right.

What have you been doing right?  Link up with Jaime from James and Jax

I want to be present

I keep reading about being present, and I'm not sure I know how.

It sounds so wonderful.  I want to slow down, to experience each moment - or at least some of those moments - in a more complete way.  To sit on the floor with one of my daughters and be wholly engrossed in what she's doing.  To think of nothing else but blocks or  princesses or the imaginary tea I'm sipping. To not be worried about the dinner, or what the next activity will be, or how long it is until naptime.  To really experience everything with every one of my senses and faculties, and to remember it afterwards in a way that is both physical and spiritual.

Is that really something that happens to people?

I know I need to get rid of some of the noise, that I need to keep my computer and TV shut off for more of the day.  I know that I already do a good job listening to my big girl, that I do enough snuggling my little one. I know that I could do better, but that I am doing plenty good enough as a mother.   I know that in the long term it will matter.

But I want it to matter now.

Sometimes, when we're all cuddled on the couch, I get glimpses of it.  I have seconds where all of me is flooded with the reality of being a mom, and I am suddenly not waiting for a thing and am filled with gratitude.

The rest of the time?  At my best, I'm thinking of objectives and goals, of how what we're doing will get us to  the next best place.  At my worst, I'm overwhelmed and completely shut off.

I know, I KNOW that it's okay not to cherish every moment, that there will be plenty more moments.  That my kids are getting from me what they need, and most of the time I'm getting plenty back from them.

But I go to write and I realize that from the past 2.5 years of being a mom I can hardly remember a thing.  Where have I been?  For good or for bad, I want to be here, now.

In which I take a nap

I'm going to be honest about something.

I don't really like naps very much.

(For me, that is.  I LOVE naps for the toddler.)

When BG was a newborn, and didn't sleep AT ALL at night, I treasured the three hours of sleep we got in the morning after my husband left for work because it was the only sleep I got all day.  But now, it's different.    My little one sleeps a lot at night and, more importantly, my big one is awake most of the day.

Two hours a day is all I get to myself.

I want to read, I want to write, I want to learn, I want to play.  I want to eat lots of chocolate.  I want to feel pampered.  I want to get things done around the house, and do it quickly and efficiently.

But man, I'm so tired.

Usually when I take a nap, I wake up feeling worse.  I wake up to my big girl screaming for me from her room, and it takes me a minute to be able to get out of bed.  I feel guilty, groggy and resentful.

But today I'm not sure what happened.  I opened my eyes on the couch a minute before I heard her yell.  And then I slowly got up and finished my water before I went upstairs.  I stopped to pick things up before I went upstairs.  By the time I got there, BG had stopped yelling for me.

I opened her door, and she smiled at me from her bed.  "Good girl!" she announced.

"Yes, baby, you are a good girl."

"Let's go see baby sister!"

"Okay, sweetie, let's go."

I feel human again, I feel refreshed.  And, no, I didn't meet all of my needs during this naptime, but somehow that's okay right now.