I spent some quiet time today thinking about me, and who I am and what I need and what I realized was this.
I need to write.
There's never been a time in my life when writing didn't make things better.
But lately I haven't been writing anything. It's these demons in my head, they tell me I can't do it. They tell me I don't have time. They tell me it's not worth the trouble.
But it is.
Yael threw me for a loop today. She told me that the little voices in my head aren't trying to destroy me. They're trying to protect me. They're doing a bass-ackward job of it, but really they mean well (geez, don't I say that about everyone else? Why didn't I think to say it about myself?).
So why am I not letting me write?
I'm terribly afraid. Afraid of reaching a dark place that I can't handle. Afraid of putting things out there that I can't take back. Afraid of being rejected. Afraid of failing.
So afraid of failing that I'm not doing the one thing in my whole life that I know is guaranteed to make me better.
So here I am. Writing.
And forgive me if I write the worst crap in all the world. Love me anyway okay? Because the only way out is through.
Oh my god Story, you write like the angels sing. And it's scary as he'll because you are good at it. And those voices, you can and you will learn how to work with them, not against them. No hiding, no fighting. Instead: disarming, harnessing, harvesting, loving. Permission to be scared and new at this, and buckets of hugs.
ReplyDeleteMy friend, have you read some of the crap on my blog? I cringe at some of it, but I needed to have it out there. I needed it out of my head. So it lives elsewhere and by getting it out I got through.
ReplyDeleteI will always love you anyway, but I love your writing. And whether you feel it's "good" writing or not, it's you and that is something I love to read. You're sharing who you are, and there's no failure in that. Not at all.
Haha, I second what Robin said--there is some awful stuff on my blog, but I'm ok with it because it just needed to get out of my head. Your blog is one of my favorites, no matter what you're writing about. I hope that consoles you in some small way.
ReplyDeleteOne of the reasons it took me so long to start my blog was because I know I'm not a good writer. At all. I get side tracked so easily. Sentence and paragraph structure just go out the window. So, yeah.
ReplyDeleteBut you know what? Nobody really cares. If they read the stuff about my depression/grief and they start whining about my writing? Psh - they can go somewhere else. I don't post stuff on my blog for anyone but me & the few lovelies that get encouragement from it. That's what it's meant for. It's a safe place for you to work with your demons & tell them to screw off.
Nobody is going to reject you. Nobody is going to tell you you failed. We're going to hold your hand, help you stand back up on BOTH of your feet, and smile when you shine :) We got your back, sister! *HUGS*
just keep swimming.. just keep swimming..
You know how much I love your writing. I devour your posts. Don't believe the lies! Keep doing it. So often I feel like my writing is drivel. But it helps me. I need it. So it might be dumb, that's ok. You write beautifully. Please don't stop!
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