Thursday, November 21, 2013

Just a mommy

A few months ago, something got in my husband's head, and he told BG that I was a teacher.  It's true, I suppose.  It will always be true, whether I'm in a classroom or not.

But it sounds weird.

Every time she asks me "Mommy, are you a teacher?" I twitch a little.  It feels untrue, unearned.  She takes it a step further by thinking that this means I can teach her anything.  "You can teach me baseball, mommy, because you're a teacher!"

One day, a few weeks ago, I was in the kitchen cleaning up dinner while DH played with the girls. "I have all the bears!" he said.  "But not mommy.  Is mommy a bear?"

"No!" said BG.  "She's just a mommy!"

"Yup!" I chorused, sarcastically, from the kitchen "JUST A MOMMY."

"Oh," she said.  "Are you a teacher, mommy?  I forgot."

And I sat down on the kitchen floor and cried.

When I say things like this, I always want to apologize for them.  I want to say "But that doesn't mean I want to go back to work.  That doesn't mean I want to be anywhere other than where I am right now.  That doesn't mean that being a mommy isn't enough, that I want to change something about my life right now."  I want to soften, to justify what I'm saying.

I want to be where I am.  I want to be with my girls all day.  I want to be a mommy.

But sometimes?  I'm really sad.

I miss my big kids.
I miss my colleagues.
I miss the books and even the essays sometimes.
I miss being good at something, being respected and admired.
I miss feeling like I was making a difference every day.

And you're going to want to tell me I'm still making a difference every day.  And I am.  I know I am.  I guess I know that mothering is worthy work, work worth doing.  I guess I realize that I'm doing enough.

But sometimes it doesn't feel like enough for me.

Which isn't to say I want to be anywhere else.

I did it again.

I want to be a full time mommy, but I don't want to be just a mommy.  I want to be me, to be a person, to do important work, to be smart and competent and valued.

I don't really know what that means yet.  But I'm working on it.


NaBloPoMo November 2013

2 comments:

  1. I feel this longing for more, for different (which also having the same), for otherness. I'm not sure what that means yet, either. But I do know that neither of us are alone in this. I think a lot of moms feel that pull, not knowing exactly where it would lead, and not wanting to leave the great thing we have going now. It is hard.

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  2. Teachers are teachers. In the classroom or not, you'll always be one. I can't speak to the mom part since I'm not one and I have nothing to add there-- but I grew up in universities and schoolhouses. You don't stop being a teacher when you step out of the classroom-- whether it's for a sip of water, or a 10 year hiatus. Because ultimately, eventually, all teachers find a way to teach. :) Loved the honesty of your post. I'm so glad Robbie sent me this way...

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