Shutting down.

Every day I wake up thinking, I'm going to do better today.

I'm going to exercise.

I'm going to write.

I'm going to shower.

I'm going to get the baby's laundry that's been in the basket all week put away.

I'm going to clean out my closet.

I'm going to read.

I'm going to play with the kids.

I'm going to unplug.

I'm going to turn the TV off.

I'm going to get the house clean.

I'm going to bake.

I'm going to do cool projects or science experiments with BG (wait, what?  She's 3).

I'm going to get my errands done.

And then because I can't do all of those things in one day, I don't do any of it.  And I sit on the couch zoning out on the computer while BG watches TV.  And I beat myself up.  And I pout. 

I sit there, trying to map out in my head how to do everything.  I try something and screw it up or get overwhelmed and anxious and I quit.

(Yes.  Now I have Ramon from Peg + Cat singing "You can never [words I don't remember] by saying 'I give up'" in my head.  I do what I can.)

I beat myself up for shutting down.  I label myself a failure, worthless, broken.  I become convinced that I'll never get better, that I'll never be good enough, that I'll never have any value or be successful at anything.

Then I call myself a drama queen for thinking all of that.

I don't know how to stop the madness.  I'm tired.  I'm tired from the baby getting up at night and thinking that coming to my bed at 3 means we're going to have an early morning buffet.  I'm tired from my 3 year old running into me and the walls and singing and yelling.  I'm tired from loving my kids so freaking much.  But mostly I think I'm tired from all the effort that kicking my own ass takes every day.

Rationally I know that I should just do *something*.  That the longer I sit still the more overwhelming and impossible life is going to seem.  That it's okay to sit still and recharge and it's okay to only get a few things done.  That it's okay to feel frustrated and discouraged and disappointed sometimes. 

That I don't let everyone down and that just because I don't love myself doesn't mean I'm not loveable.

But.

I'm so afraid.  I don't even know what I'm afraid of.   I'm afraid of being a failure.  I'm afraid of no one loving me anymore.  I'm afraid of being seen as negative, whiny, dramatic.  I'm afraid of never getting better.  I'm afraid that this is as good as it gets.  I'm afraid that I am letting my kids down.  I'm afraid that I will never be good enough for them.  I'm afraid that I'm making mistakes, making the wrong choices.  

So I shut down instead.  

I need to figure out how to turn myself back on.  Errr, that didn't sound right.