Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Blogging despair

I blog because I have things in my head that I need to get out.

I blog because I like to write. It is probably the hobby that I enjoy the most.

I blog because I love making connections with other bloggers and being part of a community.

I blog because I hope that sometimes the things I say might help other people.

There is a voice in my head, though, that asks me, Is it enough?

I mean, it’s certainly enough of a reason to spend 15 minutes writing a few days a week. And whether I blog or not, I am likely to continue reading and commenting and interacting on twitter because those are things that bring me a lot of joy.

When all the cool kids were at BlogHer? I may have joked a bit on twitter about how jealous I was, but it really didn’t bother me. That wasn’t something that was for me. I don’t care about the parties, and the swag, and while I would like to meet people? Most of the people who were there seemed to me to be in a class above me. (And I know, I know, you’re going to tell me that’s not true. That I can run with the cool kids. You’re sweet. But no.)

But then I started reading people’s BlogHer recap posts. Or mostly not reading them. Because the more I read, the more resentful I started to feel.

And then I read Robin’s, and I was so happy for her. Truly. But I realized that I want to find a purpose like she did. I want to know how to do this thing that my heart is telling me to do. I want to make this something that matters.

And then I read Diana’s, and my heart broke for her. Because I understood, so deeply in my heart what she was struggling with. And if someone as amazing as Diana could feel like she wasn’t doing anything when her blog reaches so many people every day, then what the heck was I doing?

And then I found out that Robin was going to speak at Bloggy Boot Camp next year. I don’t think there’s anything I have wanted more in a long time than to hear Robin speak at Bloggy Boot Camp. And I wanted to tell her to come to the city closest to me. But then I realized that even if she did, there would be no way I could go. There’s no way I could justify it. We don’t have the money, I don’t have the time. The people in my life, including my husband would think it was silly and frivolous.

I would think it was silly and frivolous.

And I start to feel like, what’s the point? I know it’s not about the money, and I don’t want it to be about money. But at the same time, if this blog could make a little money, it would be so much easier for me to take it seriously. To take myself seriously.

Even without money, if I could feel like I had a purpose here, like I was genuinely making a difference, I’d feel better about pouring my energy into it.

But right now? What am I doing here? Am I just playing? Am I begging for attention? I am stuck in this awful loop where it doesn’t matter because I don’t make it worthwhile, and I don’t make it worthwhile because it doesn’t matter.

9 comments:

  1. Wrote a post kinda similar to this today...I understand what you mean and how you're feeling. Struggled with this some too....for the record your words do matter. Whether you attend a conference or not or whether you just take time to write what you deal with. Your words do matter. I enjoy reading them and benefit from them. I say take the pressure off of yourself. If you want to go to a conference go, and have fun. Learn something new. But don't let the pressure of blogging put you in despair. Just keep being you, especially as a writer. You're probably helping more people than you know.

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  2. You know how much money my blog has made me? Zero dollars. It would be great if that changed, but ultimately that's not what it's about for me. I started my blog because it helped *me*. I needed to write so I did. I didn't expect it to help others, but it's amazing to me that it does. And so does yours. Our whole community is helped by reading each others' stories and I have no doubt there are others who read and feel better too.

    Coming back from BlogHer I was on a flight with someone else who was there. She mentioned that she felt a little silly going but then realized her husband spends a lot of money on his hobbies and they've never really done that for her. So now she has, and I think that's a really good point.

    We should all have something that's just for us (especially as moms). If this is something you enjoy and that gives you an outlet and a place to write, I think that's invaluable.

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  3. Toni (MamaLikeMyMama)August 16, 2011 at 9:36 AM

    I'm not a blogger but I say it would come down to: if you enjoy writing, it IS worthwhile. With everything a mama has to do, this is yours and if you enjoy it I say keep on writing mama. We will be here to read it :)

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  4. Two words that make this blog all worth it:

    Self Care.


    You rock. Your words are reaching people, even if you don't feel that they are and more importantly, they're reaching you. Right now, you are your most important reader. If you enjoy it, indulge. Write. Let it flow. The authenticity which comes from the freedom to be you can never be recreated, captured, or monetized. It's not about the money when you're being you.

    Right now, it's self-care. And you know what? That's self-less. Keep rocking your place. Keep being you. THAT'S your purpose, babe. ;-)

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  5. I don't have any answers because I'm still figuring it out. But when I am learning is that we all need some sort of outlet - something that makes us happy. And if this blog is it, then it's worth it.

    I'm kinda sorry I wrote that post. I've read so many bloggers who felt totally inadequate after reading it and that was not my intent. :( But maybe it's needing another one in a few weeks.

    Know that you aren't alone - and that last year I sat and watched everyone head to BlogHer wondering if I would ever get there. I bought the ticket as a motivator.

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  6. I still don't know the purpose of my blog. Yeah, it would be nice if it made some money too, but it doesn't. But the connections I've made because of it? Priceless. And that includes you. I for one, would be very sad if you stopped blogging. Because your words matter to ME. So there--I'm your one person. ;)

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  7. I Love your blog.
    I Love your writing voice.
    I value your point of view.
    I hear your fear and your pain and confusion. These are all valid and unavoidable. Blogging exposes us and makes us vulnerable, yet is also gives us power.
    We are all still figuring this out. I'm thrilled that we are doing this together.

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  8. This is something I have been struggling with over the last few weeks. I started my blog because I wanted to write and needed to write. But now? I'm not sure about it. I often ask myself what my purpose is and if what I'm saying ever matters.

    Then I remember the connections and the friendships I've made along the way. And I'm reminded that that is what it's all about.

    Your words matter to me, your story touches my heart. I can be your one person, just don't stop!

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  9. You are not alone and I posted a comment similar to the one I am about to post here, on A'Driane's blog. I blog for the same reasons you do and I have felt the same way you do. Bottom line is that I realized that what I enjoy more than anything is the feeling I get when I write. I love feeling that I am not alone when someone reaches out to me either via a comment (which is SUPER rare) email or Twitter. If my experiences, my stories, my funnies etc help someone then great! I would LOVE to go to a blog conference but only because I have made SO many friends on Twitter and I read so many WONDERFUL blogs that I enjoy, that I'd love to meet the person IRL. I hope one day I will get to go. Especially because I'd love to meet the #PPD ladies! Hugs!

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