Just in case you were starting to think that everything was bright and beautiful in mommyland around here, I want to tell you. I’m having a bad day. I know it’s just a bad day, I know it’s just a bad mood, but in this moment it feels like everything is crashing down. It feels like my progress isn’t real. It feels like I’m all alone. And I’m afraid.
I’m afraid that people don’t like me as much as I like them.
I’m afraid that I’ll make a fool of myself.
I’m afraid that I’m a bad mother.
I’m afraid that I’m a bad wife.
I’m afraid that I’m a bad friend.
I’m afraid that I’m a bad writer.
I’m afraid that I’ll look like I’m trying too hard.
I’m afraid that the things that I do won’t matter.
I’m afraid that I’m wrong to think they *could* matter.
I’m afraid that if I’m honest, people will not like me.
I’m afraid that if I’m not honest, they’ll see right through me.
I’m afraid that this will never get better.
I’m afraid that all that’s left to be wrong is me.
I’m afraid that I complain too much.
I’m afraid that I lie to myself.
I’m afraid that I care too much about being liked.
I’m afraid that means I’m not a “person of substance.”
I’m afraid I will never fit in.
I’m afraid that I shouldn’t want to fit in.
I’m afraid this will sound like I’m fishing for compliments or desperately seeking approval.
I’m afraid that I am.
I’m afraid that I won’t get it.
I’m afraid that the wrong things matter to me.
I’m afraid that it’s my fault.
And right now? It doesn't matter if any of this is true, if any of it is real. It feels real. It feels true. And I'm struggling.
And? It might be okay that I'm struggling.
(((HUGS))) Sometimes putting our fears out there gives them less power. I know it feels real - but remember that depression/anxiety can completely warp reality. Hang in there. I will if you will. ;)
ReplyDeleteIt is okay. I have felt all of those things at one time or another, and all of them at once too. They do feel real in the moment, and some of them are real fears. But what I discovered is that it actually doesn't matter that much. You are who you are and you are wonderful.
ReplyDeleteI feel this way a lot too. I worry about them far too much and I'm tired of carrying that weight. Let's throw them out!
ReplyDeleteSending you big hugs. I have felt this way many times. I was actually going to write a post similar to this earlier this week because I was feeling all sorts of emotions. It's hard, it really is. But it will be ok.
ReplyDeleteI believe that most of us feel those things at one point or another. Some of us just aren't as honest about it as you have been here. But know you aren't alone. And that you will have better days. TONS and TONS of better days. And that on the not-so-good days, you have lots of friends who think you're a "person of substance." You are to us!
ReplyDeleteSending you huge big squishy hugs. I definitely feel like that a lot of the time. You aren't alone. Remember these things: the good days will come, you are very much loved and appreciated and you definitely are a person of substance
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone!! I hope your day gets better :)
ReplyDeleteour illness makes us believe so many hurtful things about ourselves that are simply not true. It is especially worse when we have a moment of weakness or a bad day. Please know that this is your illness talking...not you.
ReplyDeleteYou are a beautiful person inside and out. Don't ever forget that. Perhaps for every negative thought you could squeeze in a positive?
Good days are coming to you friend. There will be bad days but they will become few and far inbetween.
And know that we are all here for you.
Yes, I think I've felt all of those things too before. A few years ago I was talking to a friend about a particularly scary situation she was in and she said, "I refuse to live in fear." I think about that a lot when my fears seem overwhelming. I'm not there yet, but hope to be someday. Sending a prayer your way. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm a few days behind in getting to my posts, but I'm commenting anyway...
ReplyDeleteI've felt that way. Sometimes bits and pieces, sometimes all at once. I've felt it a lot recently and it's tiring. I want to get rid of it. I want to throw it all away but sometimes? It's just so hard.
The best things I've found is surrounding yourself with those who love you, who support you. I'm here for you, if you ever need to talk.